Telling the Future
by DotzZ
Summary: Throw an extremely stressed Lily, the 3 marauders she hates, a mysteriously disappearing door, and an even more mysterious book together, mix well and READ!
1. Severe Stress and Disappearing Doors

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers! **

**Chapter 1: Severe Stress and Disappearing Doors**

"Aaahhhhhgggg!" came Lily's cry of frustration as she walked out of her last class of the day, "How am I ever going to get through all this crap?" she muttered semi-crazily to herself.

It was Lily's last year at Hogwarts. N.E.W.T. year and the pressure was definitely getting to her. Big Time. Mostly, everyone had started to avoid her because of her random crying and stress-filled rages. Everyone except the one person who drove her over the edge. James. James Bloody Potter. It was bad enough having to put up with him as Head Boy, but with him following her around like some insane messy haired stalker and asking her out every five seconds (EVERY FIVE STINKIN' SECONDS!) she was going even more insane.

_I need a quiet place to study. A place where I can hear myself think without a million bloody prats around making noise. And without James. -mental shudder- James._

Somehow her overworked brain knew where it was going and Lily started towards the Room of Requirement. Where it would be quiet and James-less. Or so she thought.

-------------------------

"Padfoot! You prat! Hurry up!" cried James

James, Remus and Sirius were running as fast as they could towards the Room of Requirement. Well, Remus and James were anyway, Sirius was running as fast as he could while holding about 20 pounds of bananas he'd nicked from the kitchens. This, incidentally, wasn't fast at all, as he kept dropping them.

Remus looked at the Marauders Map worriedly "Pringle is coming closer! And you're practically leaving him a trail with those bananas you have! By the way, why do you have them?"

"Oh I traded Wormtail for them. Damn house elves, this is all they thought he was worth I guess." Remus gave Sirius a worried look, but decided that Peter would probably be very happy in the kitchens for now. "But Pringle? That old fart is still alive? I thought he'd died ages ago. What's his replacement-in-trainings name? Nora or something isn't it?" mused Sirius while picking up the 47th banana he'd dropped in that hallway alone (Remus was counting).

"No, that's his cats name, Mrs. Norris. I wonder if he ever likes to pretend he's Mr. Norris." said James waggling his eyebrows.

Sirius burst out laughing and dropped about 10 bananas as Remus sighed and wondered for the zillionth time why he even considered these two prats his friends.

The three Marauders finally got to the Room of Requirement, avoiding Pringle altogether, thanks to Peeves, who had gone banging down a hallway with some poor Hufflepuff girls' lingerie on his head. They kept a secret stash of fire whiskey in the R.o.R. and since it had been a long week, they decided they deserved to get a little drunk to celebrate the weekend.

"Ahhhhh, fire whiskey," sighed Sirius as the three started to walk up and down the corridor across from Barnabas the Barmy.

_Maybe I'll train trolls for ballet someday. Or tap. Or to be my wingmen. Because James really sucks as one, with all his mooning over Lily. Haha trolls with wings_. Sirius thought while staring at old Barnabas and his trolls.

-------------------------

Lily walked up to the corridor with the picture of Barnabas, and saw her worst nightmare unfolding before her eyes.

"WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING HERE?" she screamed.

"Lily Flower! How nice of you to join us!" James bowed gallantly, as Lily tried to control her rage. "We were just about to get completely, utterly, wonderfully drunk! It'll be fun! Just me and you, on a cozy little couch, before a cozy little fire, and lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Oh and them, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind watching," he said excitedly, gesturing to Remus and Sirius.

Remus started turning a bit red and sputtering while Sirius, muttered about his bananas, totally oblivious to the fact Lily had just walked up to them.

Lily was actually very tempted to go along with James. If it had been anyone other than James, she would've welcomed the chance to get drunk and forget about studying for a time. But her deep-seated loathing of James, and her perfectionist, studious, side kept her from saying yes.

"Don't call me Lily Flower!" she said, which hardly expressed her loathing for what James had just suggested, but she was too stressed to think of a witty comeback. Instead, she started running up and down the hallway thinking of quiet, studious places.

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Sirius, snapping out of his banana daze faster than anyone would have thought possible (especially because it looked like he was about to make out with one of the bananas, the way he was looking at it) but when he realized his pending drunkenness was in danger (if Lily was in the Room of Requirement, they couldn't get into it to get their Fire Whiskey) he leapt into action faster than anyone with an unnatural obsession with bananas should be allowed to leap.

"FIRE WHISKEY!" he screamed over and over again while running up and down the corridor. James meanwhile decided to "help" by jumping around and getting into everybody's way. Remus was just about to put a silencing charm on Sirius,_ Pringle better not here him, James is the HEAD BOY for crying out loud he's the one who is supposed to worry about not getting in trouble,_ when the door to the R.o.R. appeared on the wall he was leaning against and he fell backwards through the door.

"BANA-er…FIRE WHISKEY!" yelled Sirius as he Lily and James all charged in through the door and fell in a heap on top of Remus.

"Uhhh…this isn't the Fire Whiskey room," said James stating the painfully obvious while Sirius disentangled himself from the pile and stood up.

"Quite right mate and I think we should-**_smack_**" Sirius had walked right into the door, which promptly disappeared into the wall.

"Bloody hell," Lily said in disbelief.

**Author Note: Ok guys this is my first story! I don't know whether it'll b a success or not….but I thought it would b fun to try. ANYWAY read n review! N flames r ok, just please if your gonna say it sucked, tell me why and how I can make it better! Thanks! **


	2. The Boy Who Lived

**Disclaimer: ****No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: OMG! YAY!! I feel so special, I put chap. 1 up, go down to watch the finale of project runway (Jeffrey won! Take that Laura you bitch!) Come back up here and I have 4 reviews!!! Maybe that is pathetic, but it made me all jittery and excited and I had to run back downstairs to tell my mama that I had reviews! 4 of them! And speaking of Reviews, Thank you to my first four reviewers who made me so happy and spastic!! **

**this-**** recurring-dream- -hugs- I will love you forever because you reviewed! **

**Murdrax-Ditto above **

**Prongsxlilyflower-Thanks for the edit tip****, and and the are my worst things to type…nad…an…adn…teh…etc.,but I'll do my best lol **

**LifeAtRandom-woopsie…I blame this one on word lol. I wrote like six original first pages of this story, but once they were written, word would decide that he didn't like them and would quit randomly, so in most of the original versions, I did explain what happened to Wormtail, but that is changed now in the first chap thanks to you **

**Piggy396- you were my first review this morning when I woke up! I had to read your review a few times to figure out whether it was good or bad, lol its too early, but yay! Thanks for reviewing! **

**So yeah, I did change a few things in the first chapter, a line here and there, probably not enough to make you all go and reread it, especially since I changed it like 3 hours after I put it up. and to clarify, in case you don't go read it over Sirius traded Wormtail for the bananas, which is why he isn't there. Now on with the story! Yay! **

**Chapter 2: The Boy Who Lived**

The room the three friends and one stalkee had just been hermetically sealed into was nothing like any one of them had wanted to be, but a little bit of each. It was small and cozy with a good sized couch and roaring fire like James wanted. There was no way for them to get caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing (unless being locked in a door-less room had suddenly become against the rules while Remus wasn't looking). For Lily, there was a well-lit desk, and it would have been a quiet and peaceful room, if it weren't for the three Marauders. There was a book on the desk she could probably study from too. There was even fire whiskey for Sirius; he just hadn't thought to look under the squeaky floorboard behind the couch yet.

"Oh God!" wailed Lily miserably, "Why? WHY? Why, why, why, why am I stuck in here with you three?" She looked about ready to commit suicide.

James went over to try and comfort Lily, but she ran away from him, slipping on one of Sirius's bananas in the process. In the process of trying to catch her, James slipped on a banana too. They fell in a heap and Lilly yelped and scrambled up, trying not to touch James for longer than necessary.

"CREEP! Get off of me!" Lily yelled, jumping up to the couch. James took this as a challenge, and charged up to her and grabbed for her legs.

"I'm gonna catch you Lily! You can't escape the mighty Jamesie!"

Lily jumped off the back of the couch and landed with a sickening squish on a banana. "EW! Sirius! These things are disgusting!" she shrieked, throwing the squished banana at James. Lily may not have been very athletic, but she had deadly aim.

"What are you talking about Lily, I thought you loved bananas!" said James, giving her a cheeky smile, trying to lick the banana off his face.

"Dear Lord help me," Lily moaned, banging her head against a wall. Which turned out not to be the best idea in the world.

"GOTCHA!" James yelled triumphantly grabbing Lily around the waist and picking her up.

"James! You bloody prat! Put me down!" she screamed hysterically at him. He complied, reluctantly and only because she was smacking him, and damn, she hit hard. He was back chasing her as soon as her feet hit the floor though.

"We're stuck in the R.o.R, with Lily and no Fire Whiskey! Remy! What are we going to doooooooo…?" Sirius moaned pitifully.

"I don't know, there's got to be a way out, somehow," Remus mused, "Padfoot, go check for hidden doors on the other walls or something, I'm going to try and see if there is a spell to get us out of here. And don't call me Remy," he added absentmindedly.

"Aye, aye Cap'n Remy-er…Moony sir," Sirius said, snapped out of his pitiful state at the thought of pretending to be a detective.

Remus started to hurl simple unlocking spells at the wall where the door used to be. Starting with Alohamora and working his way up from there. After about ten minutes, he had started on some pretty complicated spells. James and Lily stopped their game of "tag" to watch him and Sirius took a break from tapping the walls with bananas to do the same. They were pretty sure Remus had started to make up most of these new spells, as they involved a lot of swearing and kicking the wall.

"Padfoot, we have trained him well" beamed James after Remus had snarled a particularly nasty word.

"He's getting to be all grown up, did you hear that one?" agreed Sirius, wiping a tear from his eye.

Remus, finally noticing he had an audience, turned bright red, mumbled something incoherent and went to sit on the desk.

"I don't know guys, I can't think of a way-hey, what's this?" Remus wondered, never one to turn down a book, even one that pokes you in the butt when you sit on it.

'Well, two steps forward, one step back I guess," Sirius sighed.

Lilly took this opportunity to start laughing like a loon.

"Hahahaha, this is insane, hahahaha, most girls would kill to be stuck in a room with you three, hahahahaha and I guess you are pretty sexy sons of bitches, Hahahaha, I might as well take advantage of it while it lasts, hahahahah," Lilly was on the floor laughing, and the three Marauders had started to back away from her. Even as she was laughing her head off, her neurotic perfectionist side was psychoanalyzing her.

_I have totally lost it, completely utterly cracked; it's not that bad though, might as well enjoy it while it lasts._

James was having mixed feelings about Lily's...outburst. _She called me sexy! But she called me a son of a bitch...but hey! I'm sexy!_

Remus interrupted Lily's crazed laughter and James's thoughts "Guys! Come here and look at this book!"

"AHHHH! EVIL BOOKS! NOOOOO! You know we can't touch those things Moony! We'll melt! You can only read them without harm because of your special Moony powers that we will never begin to comprehend," Sirius said, holding up two bananas in his defense against "evil books".

"No, I'm serious, this is really weird, listen to the title: Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone," Said Remus earnestly.

"Hey James! One of your relatives is in a _book_, how come you never told me this?" Sirius whined

"I didn't know…but I'm pretty sure I don't have any relatives named Harry. I like the name though, if I ever have a son that will be his name," James replied, a bit confused.

"Oh my god, James having a baby, that is one of the scariest thoughts I have ever had," Lily shuddered in horror.

"Oh come on Lil', I'm not that bad," James said, sneaking an arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Hands OFF!" Lily screamed going to hide behind Sirius, realizing who he was, and running to sit on the couch.

"Well…this is one of the weirdest books I've picked up in a while, should we read it?" asked Remus, sensing another Lilly explosion would occur soon without some intervention.

"I suppose we have nothing better to do, we might as well re-raheee-rrrrr…" Sirius said, trying to say the already difficult word "read" while stuffing a banana in his mouth.

"Oi, Padfoot, don't hurt yourself, really, what would we do without you?" James said dryly. "Of course we should read it! I mean it's about my family, so that means it has to be good."

"K, well Lily, what do you think? Should we read it?" asked Remus carefully.

"We might as well I guess. Even though the thought of reading about James's family makes me throw up a little in my mouth," Lily replied, grabbing three pillows from the other side of the couch and making herself comfortable.

"Ok, then that's basically unanimous, let's read," Remus cleared his throat, "Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived".

**Author Note: Srry, I know it is pathetically short…it was even shorter last night when I wrote it in my notebook. but I'll probably have a new chapter up later today, cuz we have conferences this thurs/fri, so that means NO SCHOOL! So yay don't kill me. Ok now REVIEW! **


	3. Normalcy is Overrated

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note-YAY! I officially just reached 100 hits. But still only 5 reviews! I'm going to put this chapter up, and it is a much longer chapter than both 1 and 2 and you people who read it better review, I just need a simple yay or nay on it! I spose I shouldn't be complaining, since its only been up since like this morning and its only 2:34 at the moment. Wutevs. I'm impatient!**

**K done rambling/boring you, on with the story!**

**Chapter 3: Normalcy is Overrated **

"Oh goody! It's a happy story! He's alive!" Lily said, clapping like a little kid, her bad mood gone now that James had sat down on the other side of couch, next to Sirius and stopped chasing her.

**Remus read: Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. **

**James**: Normalcy is highly overrated.

**Lilly:** Dursley? That's my sister's boyfriend's last name!

**Remus:** Creepy.

**Sirius**: CREEPY BANANAS!

Everyone stared at Sirius who was glaring at one of his bananas, completely oblivious to the attention he was attracting.

**James:** Both our families in one book Lil! Isn't this exciting! Maybe it's telling the future!

**Lilly**: -Groan- Books better not tell the future, that's for scary divination teachers to do.

**James:** True.

**Remus:** ANYWAY.** They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.**

**Lily: **-worried look- That sounds exactly like Petunia, she HATES the fact I'm a witch, says I'm a freak.

**Sirius: **Oh my god Lily! I know how you feel! My family feels the same way about me! Just because I'm noble, and brave and red looks SO much better on me than green, they think I'm a freak!

**Lily:** -pats Sirius on the back sympathetically-

**James: **-glares at Sirius for choosing to be coherent for once while talking to the girl HE likes-

**Remus:** **Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made-**

**Lily:** Guns.

**Remus**: Drills actually.

**James and Sirius**: -blank stare-

**Remus:** Guns are like muggle wands, except all they do is kill people. And drills make…holes. You would know this if you had taken muggle studies with me!

**James:** The things muggles think up….

**Remus:** **He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large-**

**Sirius:** BANANA!

**Lilly: **Oh bad image, bad, bad, bad image! –smacks herself on the head with a banana a few times, realizes what she is holding and chucks the banana in the fire-

**James:** That's disturbing

**Remus:** Minds out of the gutter people! Mustache! He had a very large MUSTACHE!

Sirius had started to make some odd wheezing noises, so everyone turned to look at him.

**James and Remus:** -burst out laughing-

**Lilly:** Now there's real talent…

Sirius had stuck a banana up each nostril, so it looked like he had a huge banana mustache.

**James: **You're really something else mate. Banana mustaches...imagine the possibilities!

**Lilly:** I don't want to know…

**Sirius:** -one banana falls out- You sure! I can explain if you want me to! See-

Remus could tell this was not going anywhere good so he started reading furiously.

**Remus:Mrs.Dursleywasthinandblondeandhadnearlytwicetheusualamountofneckwhichcameinveryusefulasshespentsomuchofhertimecraningovergardenfences,spyingontheneighbors.**

**Sirius: -**claps- Moony, anyone who can read as fast as you deserves a medal.

Lilly, hoping to death she hadn't heard what she thought she had, grabbed the book from Remus and started to read it slower.

**Lily**: **Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde **NO! **and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck **Nonono!** Which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors. **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**James:** Lily! What's wrong?

**Lily**: -sputters incoherently-

**Sirius**: You know that would have been much more interesting if she had been yelling yes instead of no.

**Remus:** -rolls eyes-

**Lilly: **-jumps up and down pointing at the book-

**Sirius: **CHARADES! Ooh ooh! I got it! MONKEY! Pointing at BANANAS!

**Lilly: **-stops jumping long enough to stare at Sirius-

**Remus and James:** -Stare with her-

**Sirius:** Well why would anyone jump up and down like an idiot, no offense of course Lily–Lily starts to sputter again- if they weren't pretending to be an overexcited monkey who forgot his monkey pills.

**Remus:** You know the way he says that makes it seem like he's saying the most rational thing in the world, and then you listen to the words and realize what a complete nutcase he is.

**James:** Truer words were never spoken –nods wisely-

**Sirius**: -smacks James on the back of the head- Hey!

**James:** OW! I didn't say it! Moony did! I just agreed!

**Sirius:** But, Prongs, you're more fun to smack.

**James:** -starts to yell at Sirius-

**Remus:** -Think of it as a compliment Prongs.

**James:** -scratches head-

**Lily: **-Still sputtering and jumping up and down like a monkey who forgot his pills-

**Boys: **WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

**Lily: **-points to Sirius- _(Yay It's not my fault –_James thinks) He called me a monkey! An Idiot! And a MALE!

**Remus:** Join the club.

**James:** What were you all freaked out about in the book?

**Lily:** -sputters-

**Remus:** -shakes Lily- We already have two blithering idiots in the room we don't need another!

**James:** -glares at Remus-

**Sirius:** -starts nodding, then realized James is glaring and glares too-

**Lily:** MY SISTER IS IN THAT BOOK! THAT DESCRIPTION FIT HER TO A T! This means if this book is true then she married that awful fat boyfriend of hers, Vernon! Ack!

**James:** Well keep reading, it just got a bit more interesting.

Remus tried to take the book back from Lily, but she would have none of it. Lily got up and sat between James and Sirius, leaving poor Remus to fend for himself alone on the scary right side of the couch.

**James:** -scoots closer to Lily- Not having much luck with the ladies tonight eh moony?

**Lily:** -Rolls eyes and scoots closer to Sirius-

**Remus:** And you are Prongs?

**James:** -shrugs-

**Sirius: **Bananas.

**Lily:** -scoots back towards James- Oook, back to the story. **The Dursleys had a small-**

**Sirius: **Banana flavored Chihuahua.

**All:** -stare at Sirius-

**Lily:** **SON called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.**

**James: **Except for on Uranus.

**Remus:** -snorts-

**Lily:** -smacks book against head- **The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret,**

**Sirius: **Great Aunt Millie had a banana.

**Remus and Lily:** -smack Sirius on the head with bananas-

**James:** Banana fight! –starts to chuck bananas at everyone-

**Lily:** James! Prat! –hits James with book-

**James:** OW! Damn girl that thing is hardcover! –grabs book from Lily-

**Sirius:** Nooooooooooooooo! –dives across Lily and snatches book out of James's hand- I'm reading now!

**Remus:** Oh this will be good.

Sirius now has his head in James lap and is stretched out across the couch on top of Lily and Remus. Quite awkward if you think about it.

**Remus: **Padfoot! Get your feet off of me! They are rancid.

**Sirius:** -clears throat and ignores Remus- ok class shut up now I'm going to read you a story!

**Lily:** -Rolls eyes- Joy of joys…

**Sirius:** SHH! **Their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.**

**James: **Discover what?

**Lily:** The secret, duh! Now shush.

**Sirius:** **They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.**

**James: **THAT'S ME!

**Lily:** James! SHUT UP!

**James:** Sorry –zips lips-

**Sirius:** **Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but-**

**Lily: **What? Mrs. Potter. Mrs. Dursley. SISTERS?

**James: **Lily! Hypocrite you shush now! Wait…that means…

**Lilly: **Noooooooooo...!

**Author Note: Woo that took a long time, like I've been up since seven this morning at its almost 3! I've been working on that the whole time! Well sorta. It probably wouldn't have taken so long if I hadn't been talking to my friend half the time hehe. But omg it is only the first page and like 2 sentences on the second page. And the first page is only a half a page! This takes a really long time, so I doubt I'll be able to do 2 chapters a day any more lol. But yay! I'm happy with it, REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE! You have no idea how happy reviews make me.**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	4. Marry Me! THE FINISHED VERSION! yay!

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: yay! I broke the 200 hits mark. AND got 5 more reviews!**

**Piggy396-woot! You are my first serial reviewer! –hugs- I love you! It sucks u have school, doncha love conferences tho? **

**Purplepirate-first off, love your name! My two favorite things! Purple stuff and pirates! Secondly, Thank you so much for the positive review!!!! –hugs-**

**I also had 2 other reviews, but for some reason I can't see them yet…is that normal? But anyway, you know who you are and thank you! N does anyone know if its normal to not be able to see the reviews right away?**

**Hahaha its not even funny how neurotic I am about reviews and hits (which is why I'm laughing like a loon…) I sit here and refresh every 10 seconds and when it goes up I get up and do a happy dance! I know I am so cool. Ok yay onto the 3rd chap in 1 day! That's got to b a record huh? **

**Chapter 4: Marry Me!**

**James:** Lily! Will you…will you marry me? –goes down on one knee-

**Lily:** What? No! James, get up. GET UP! NOW!

**James**: -beams- Ok Lily, I can wait. But the book says you will. And the book is always right.

**Lily:** -wails- Deep breaths Lils, in…out…

**Sirius:** The Book is always right? –holds book above his head like a sacred relic-

**James:** -nods gravely-Always.

**Sirius:** –eyes get really big- always?

**James:** Always.

**Sirius:** really?

**James: **YES YOU PRAT ALWAYS! Did you not hear me the first 80 times?

**Sirius:** I don't believe you. –throws book at James and crosses arms-

**James:** OW! PADFOOT!

**Remus:** It's a book guys! Be nice to it! Just because it's a really freaky book, doesn't mean it tells the future.

**Sirius**: Well aren't you just the freakin' voice of reason Remy?

**Remus:** -grits teeth-

**Lily:** -muttering- it better not tell the future.

**James:** Whatever, if it tells the future or not –cough- it does –cough- I'm going to finish reading it. **but they hadn't met for several-**

**Lilly: **Oh no, you don't! –snatches book out of James's hands-

**James:** -cowers- (the book is HARDCOVER, remember?)

**Lilly:** If we let you read it you'll probably add in some pervy fantasy of your own or something equally as nauseating. I'll read it. Ahem. The first part of this book was completely false, Lily did not marry James, he died in a horrible accident involving…erm…killer flobberworms. Lily actually married a handsome, smart, funny, non pervy, famous, successful ministry worker. The End.

**Author Note: muahahaha yes I am sadistic! Don't worry tho this isn't the whole chapter…I still need to finish it but it will b up tomorrow! Yay Review! Don't you want to be the cause of my insane happy dances every time I refresh and get a new review? If I were you I would want to be.**

**Mwah♥ (btw the lil box next to mwah is a heart if u can't see it)**

**Dot**

**New Author Note: during the night I broke the 300 hits mark! Or I guess I should say YOU did! You being my lovely readers that I heart to death.**

**Thank you to greeneyez2 and murdrax for reviewing! –hugs them-**

**And to Ravenclawroyalty-yay! I feel so special! I'm in your favorite stories! Eeeee!**

**Piggy396-haha we are the two coolest ppl on earth with our spazzy dancing! Yay! Next time I have one I'll think of you! Love you so much! Thank you for da reviews! –hugs- oh and guess wat? I'm eating a banana! Hahahaha**

**And for everyone who reviews me, if they have stories, I'm goign to read them! And I will review them like you review my story!**

**Now onto (the continuation of) chap 4!**

**James:** What?? It doesn't actually say that does it? Killer flobberworms?

**Lily:** YES! It does say it! –sits on book-

**Sirius:** Don't be thick James; of course it doesn't actually say that in there. Lily is just too insecure to admit her burning passion for you. So she had to cover it up with some sad six year olds fantasy.

**All:** -stare at Sirius-

**Remus:** Sirius…did that just make…sense?

**Lily:** -turns a bit pink- Well it would have made sense if it was true. But its NOT!

**Sirius:** Bananas. –flaps banana peel at them-

**Remus:** -sigh- and I almost thought he was halfway sane.

**James:** Lily, get off the book! I want to see if Padfoot was right!

**Lily:** HE WASN'T!

**James:** -sticks tongue out- Prove it!

**Lily:** -hands on hips- How?

**James:** Give me the book so I can read it!

**Lily:** NO! I mean…umm...er…

**Remus:** Lily, look! There's a hot guy behind you.

**Lily:** -jumps up and spins around- Where?!

**Remus:** -grabs book-

**Lily:** -glares at Remus- Your evil. Pure evil.

**Sirius:** Look who's talking…

**Lily:** -glares at Sirius-

**Sirius:** -gulp-

**James:** Read the stinking story Remus! –bounces up and down really fast-

**Sirius:** Yeah Remus, read. Before James loses control of his bladder.

**James:** Hey! That only happened once!

**Lily:** -snorts-

They all settle on the couch with Remus in the middle, Lily on his right side and James on his left. Sirius was crouched on the back of the couch. Unfortunately for him, in perfect position to be pushed off should anyone decide he was being too annoying.

**Remus:** Ok here goes: **Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister (Lily:** Did you have to read that part again?) **but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,**

**Lily: **I don't know whether to be excited or offended about that.

**Remus: because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband**

**James: **Excuse me! Good for nothing my arse!

**Lilly: **-mutters- Well its true.

**James: **I heard that.

**Lilly: **Good

**James: **-sad face-

**Remus: were as undursleyish as it was possible to be. **Undursleyish? Is that even a word?

**James: **Who cares?

**Remus:** -sigh- **The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the potters arrived in the street.**

**James: **Why would we arrive in the street? Don't they have a fireplace?

**Lily:** They're MUGGLES, remember?

**Sirius:** Muggles don't use floo??

**All:** -odd looks at Sirius-

**James: **I worry about you Padfoot…

**Remus:** **The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small-**

**Sirius: **BANANA!

**Lily:** Remus can I borrow the book for a second.

**Remus:** Uh…sure.

**Lily:** -smacks book on head- if he mentions bananas one more time I will murder someone. –gives book back to Remus-

**Remus and James:** -worried about Lily's use of the general word "someone" when saying she was going to murder them.

**Remus:** **Son **–winces in anticipation-

**Lilly and James:** SON?!

Lily had a look of utter horror on her face. And James manic smile was almost as frightening.

**James:** Lily! Marry ME!

**Lily:** -completely (blissfully) oblivious to James's question- I had a…a SON? WITH HIM? First I marry him…then we…we –bursts out in tears-

**Remus:** -pats Lily on the back- You know he's really not a bad bloke once u get to know him.

**Lily:** -death glare at Remus-

**Remus:** -stops patting-

**Sirius:** -mushy chomping noises-

James had gotten up off the couch and was doing his version of a victory dance. It included a lot of pelvic thrusts and shaking of his ass.

Remus, not knowing what to do with Lily and trying to get the disturbing image of James's pelvic thrusts out of his head, did what he did best. He read.

**Remus:** **but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

**Lilly:** -shakes fist and starts to talk to the air- Oh is my son not good enough for you Pet? Hmmm? Well he is 10 times smarter and more handsome than your precious Dudley! Even with James for a father! And he could beat him to a pulp! So take that! Just because I was always smaller than you doesn't mean you are better than me, you blonde horsey twit! –cries into James's shoulder who had come to sit next to her during her little rant-

_Well this is new._ James thought.

**James:** You have a lot of pent up rage, huh Lily?

**Lily:** -nods and wipes nose on James's shirt-

**James:** -looks at shirt- You planned that didn't you?

**Lily:** Mmhmm –sits up and sniffles-

**Remus: When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.**

**Lily: **Well obviously strange and mysterious things are soon going to happen. Cloudy skies always mean that. Duh.

**James:** Says who?

**Lily:** It's an author trick.

**Sirius:** -mushy chomping-

**Remus:** **Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked-**

**James: **His nose.

**Remus:** Can you hum and pick your nose at the same time?

**James:** -shrugs- Let's make Sirius try it. Padfoot?

**Sirius:** -sticks finger up nose and tries to hum while still making mushy chomping noises-

**James:** Sounds like a strangled cow.

**Lily:** Animal abuser! –points at James-

**James:** What? What did I do?

**Lily:** Well first you compared Sirius to a cow, which is a serious insult to cows. Oi, really, no pun intended there. And secondly, the only way you would know what a strangled cow sounds like was if you strangled one! What kind of sick twisted person would do that?

**James:** Why in the world would I strangle a cow?

**Lily:** Don't ask me, I'm not the criminal mastermind.

**Sirius:** -yet more mushy chomping noises-

**Remus:** **Picked out his most boring-**

**Sirius: **BANANA! –mushy bananas fall out of his mouth into Lily's hair-

**Lily:** What. The. Heck. Just. Fell. On my head?? –touches hair- EW!! Sirius! Is that an ABC banana?! Oh my god disgusting! You are going to pay for that! –pushes Sirius backwards off the couch-

Sirius landed with a sickening-squishy noise? Must be the bananas.

**Lily:** -starts chucking half-squished bananas at Sirius- You little wanker! BANANAS IN MY HAIR!

**Sirius:** Actually, BIG wanker, -ducks from a banana- but you don't care at the moment do you –gets hit square in the face with a banana peel- Lily! Stop throwing these damned bananas at me!

**James:** This might go on for a while.

**Remus:** Yup.

**James and Remus:** -settle down to watch-

**Author Note: YAY! Here's the rest of chapter 4. You know, sleep is such a waste of time! I had this all written last night by 10, but I couldn't get on the computer to post it because I was supposed to be sleeping! And I also wrote like 6 pages a new fic that just came to me while I was listening to a song last night. That was exciting. That one needs a bit more structure than this one so it won't b up for a while. Do you think there is like un-writers block, because I can't seem to stop getting ideas, seriously! I couldn't get to sleep last night because I kept getting ideas and I just HAD to write them down. After a while I kinda got sick of it and just put my ipod on and tried not to think. It took me 10 songs to fall asleep. Hehe ok yay! Review!**

**Hugs for everyone!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	5. Gone over to the Prat Side

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: This chap took a long time to write, and it is my least favorite chap so far but i'm almost done with the third page! Woot. And mostly it took a long time bc I'm lazy. But it is the longest chap so far. I think. Anwyway! Thanks to Murdrax, Ravenclaroyalty and Nordic Knowledge Goddess for reviewing! Yay love u all! And its freaking hilarious (times 2!) and I have a warped sense of humor! Woot. Go me! and I don't have a name for this chap(updated A/N i thought of a title! yay!)….so whatever. READ AND REVIEW!! Cookies for everyone who does!**

Lily sat down on the left side of the couch, next to James, and Sirius sat on the right side of the couch next to Remus. It had taken about 10 minutes for Remus and James to become bored watching Lily and Sirius throw bananas at each other. Probably because at that point the fight had intensified and they stopped hurling insults at each other so as not to waste energy. I guess watching people chuck bananas at each other gets boring if there isn't a running commentary going on with lots of swearing.

**Lily:** Remus, was it really necessary to petrify us to get us to stop fighting?

**Remus:** YES! Stop being so huffy! I had already gotten hit with three bananas, and I really wasn't looking forward to a fourth.

**Lily:** Fine –crosses arms- Well keep reading then.

**Sirius:** -grabs book from Remus- I'M reading now Miss Bossy Butt. –sticks tongue out at Lily-

**Lily: **-groans- Joy. Well it could be worse. James could be reading it.

**James: **Well at least I don't throw up bananas in your hair! That's gotta count for something.

**Lily: **Well I s'pose. But you're _James._

**James: **Is that a good or bad thing?

**Lily: **What do you think?

**James: **GOOD!!! –does happy dance-

**Lily: **Oh spare me, Sirius just read, please? –puppy dog face-

**Sirius: **Bana-

**Lily: **-death glare-

Sirius wasn't in good enough shape to make Lily mad this soon after their little banana battle. He had some bruises forming in interesting places.

**Sirius: **Erm, never mind…**Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming-**

**James: **Tortoise from hell into the secret compartment behind the toaster where she kept all of her evil animals from hell.

**Lily: **SEE! There's more proof, he _is_ an animal abuser.

**James: **But it's _evil. _And from hell.

**Sirius: Dudley into his highchair. None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.**

**Lily: **-giggles- Flutter. Like a butterfly. Fluttery-buttery Flutterby –goofy smile-

**Boys: **-stare at Lily-

**Remus: **Ummm…keep reading Padfoot.

**Sirius: At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek,-**

**James: **Why would anyone ever "peck" someone else, I mean we're not owls here.

**Lily: **I know, it makes it sound like you have a finger sticking out of your mouth and you poke people with it –pretends her finger is sticking out her mouth and "pecks" James-

**James: **Lily! You almost kissed me!

**Lily: -**horrified look- Oh my GOD! I kind of did, didn't I?

**James: **HA! You admitted it too! I was expecting you to slap me or something.

**Lily: **-slaps James-

**Remus: **I saw that one coming a mile away.

**James: **How is it that one minute she is practically kissing me, and the next thing I know she slaps me! Women!

**Lily: **-smiles sweetly while devil horns appear on her head- We're a mystery aren't we? –realizes the devil horns are actually Sirius holding up two bananas to her head- SIRIUS! You, you BANANA WANKING FREAK! Get the hell away from me!

**Remus: **You know Lily; the real mystery is where your sense of humor went.

**James: **Deeeeas! **(A/n: sorry I couldn't help myself lol, deeas is my cuz's version of Dis, stole that from her…)**

**Lily: **-sputters-

**Sirius: and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls. "Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his car and backed up out of number fours drive.**

**Lily: **Don't you hate it when parents just let their kids do what they want and they are _complete _brats?

**Remus: **Yeah, it's called enabling, it's what your parents did with you.

**James: **Deeea- **(A/N sorry I promise, last time. –slaps hand- no more saying dis, I promise-)**

**Lily: **-cries into James's chest- Remus! Why are you so mean to me?

**James: **Yeah Moony! Lighten up!

**Sirius: It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar-there were giant dancing bananas doing dirty pole dances on the lampposts of his street with-**

**All: **SIRIUS! –start attacking him with pillows-

**Sirius: **Damnit, Moony, Prongs, why can't you be hot? Or girls? Or better yet both! That would be like a dream come true for me!

**Remus: **Grab the book and back away slowly guys…

**Sirius: **-maniacal laughter-

James grabbed the book and the three of them settled down on the opposite side of the couch as Sirius. As Sirius had begun to bounce up and down and mutter about his bananas, they tried to stay as far away from his as possible so they were practically sitting on top of each other.

**Remus: **Prongs! Why do you have to have such bony knees?

**James: **What's wrong with my knees? I think they're very nice. Move your leg if you have such a problem with my knees.

**Remus: **I can't, Lily's on top of them, why don't you move _your_ knees!

**James: **Lily's in the way.

**Lily: **-grabs the book from James with a smug smile on her face- I'll read! **A cat reading a map. **

**James: **Is that really so peculiar?

**Lily: For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen-then he jerked his head around again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?**

**(A/N WOOT! I finished the second page! Go me. Srry needed a moment to celebrate there)**

**James: **Maybe he was high; I always see things when I get high.

**Remus: **-startled look- James!

**James: -**mutters- It was only once…

**Lily: **Explains a few things though, doesn't it?

**Remus: **Sadly, I have to agree with you on that one.

**Lily: It must have been a trick of the Light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back.**

**James: **STARING CONTEST! I call bets on the cat winning.

**Lily: As Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

**Remus: **Wow, this bloke sounds incredibly interesting. How much can you think of drills, I ask you!

**Lily: **Well Petunia married him, what would you expect? **But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.**

**Remus:** No pun intended of course.

**Lily and James: -**blank stare-

**Remus: **Well, drills er drive things…into… er never mind. Keep reading Lily.

**Lily: As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam,**

**Sirius: **JAM! –starts to jump on the couch but falls over the back-

**Lily: **It was so quiet, I almost forgot he was here…-sigh-

**Remus: **Well at least we can spread out now and James can GET HIS BONY KNEES AWAY FROM ME!

**James: **Gosh Moony, obsessed with my knees much? –waggles eyebrows-

**Lily: **You wonder why I don't like you! You self centered prat!

**Remus: -**pulls a Lily and hits head with book-

**Lily: **-takes book back from Remus before he loses too many brain cells- **He couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks.**

**James: **Excuse me! I'm wearing a cloak! And I'm not strange!

**Lily: **Yes you are. The cloak is the only normal thing about you. **Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes-the getups you saw on young people!**

**Remus: **Wow I wonder how old this bloke is, he's basically calling Dumbledore young.

**Lily: He supposed this was some new fashion. **Oh yes very new, Witches and Wizards have only been wearing cloaks since the beginning of time! I always knew Pet liked close-minded men. **He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes feel on a huddle of these weirdos-**

**Remus: **Who are you calling weird! You're obsessed with drills for god's sakes!

**James: **Well you're obsessed with my knees.

**Lily: **-holds book out of Remus's reach- **standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak!**

**James: **You know it's too bad that we have to wear black cloaks here; emerald green would look amazing on you. Match your beautiful eyes. –adoring look at Lily-

**Lily: **-blushes- erm…**The nerve of him! But-**

**James: **Oh come on Lil! It was a compliment!

**Lily: **I was reading smart one! And don't call me Lil!

**James: **Fine…-sly look- Lily Flower.

**Lily: **-throws hands up in exasperation and hands Book to Remus- You read now.

**Remus: **Gosh Prongs, you should know better than to compliment Lily, you've got her in a little tizzy.

**Lily: **I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY ALLY REMUS! WHEN DID YOU GO OVER TO THE PRAT SIDE?

**Remus: Then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some stunt-these people were obviously collecting for something…yes that would be it. **Wow this guy has a big ego if he thinks we would try and collect from _muggles._

**Lily: **Huh, big ego, look who's talkin'.

**Remus: The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills.**

**James: **Short attention span, even for a muggle.

**Remus: **That's laughable coming from you, Prongs.

**Lily: **Hey guys, not that I'm not enjoying the quiet, but what do you think Sirius is doing behind the couch.

**Remus and James: **-exchange worried glances-

**Remus: **I'm afraid to look…

**Lily: **Well I'm not going to! He's not _my _friend.

**James: **I'll look…I guess. –looks over back of couch- PADFOOT!

**Author Note: HOPEFULLY I'll get the next chapter up today. Its not started yet, but I know how I'm going to start it. hopefully it will be funnier than this one. And I wrote the beginning of a new fic last night that I'm really excited about! Just wanted to let you know that. Ok yay thank you for reading! But if you really want to make me happy, tell me that u read it by REVIEWING! The cookie offer still stands! Oh and I need a beta. Badly. My writing process consists of write write write. Yay! Done. Post. There is no editing step in there whatsoever because it is impossible to edit my own stories. I decided I was going to read the first chapter, and in the first paragraph I found like 10 million mistakes, so plz! Someone! I need a beta!!!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	6. Scary Banana Armadillo Things

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note-Weee aren't you all happy that I put this up now instead of WAITING FOR MORE REVIES? So you can read it right when you wake up in the morning! Or y'know…right when u feel like it. you can ignore me because I'll probably b rambling grandomly over pages and pages for this author note. I meant to write randomly there. Fyi. I am tired! And Jurrasic park is getting annoying. So before I fall asleep or go break the tv:**

**Piggy-yay glad ya liked it! –happy dance- and I am updating!**

**Murdrax hahahahaha ur review made me laugh and go all happy and spinny and stuff. Hahaha I am a warped cookie! Woot! N I love the idea of lily n the marauders hexing petunia to the next dimension…but the ending I had in mind ended it b4 then…idk tho I might have to keep goin**

**READ N REVIEW N I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER WITH LOTS N LOTS OF COOKIES! AND LICORICE TOO.**

**Chapter 6: Scary Banana Armadillo….Things**

**James: **Where did you get all the fire whiskey??

**Remus and Lily: **WHAT?! –jump up next to James-

**Sirius: **-giggles- Banana Fairy brought it to me! –picks up banana and tries to drink fire whiskey from it-.

When Sirius had gotten excited over the jam and fallen over the back of the couch he had landed on the floorboard that had the hidden fire whiskey under it. Making the board fly up and off, narrowly missing hitting Sirius in the nose. And Sirius, being the greedy dog that he is, started to drink with gay abandon, without so much as a thought about whether the others would want to get drunk with him.

**Lily: **Guys! Look at him! He's completely smashed! Look at how much he's drunk. –gestures wildly at all the empty bottles-

**James: **Oh don't worry Lils, there's plenty more for us, see.

**Lily: **-glowers at James-

**Remus: **Sirius! You promised!

**Sirius: -**looks towards Remus but can't focus so goes back to trying to counting his fingers-

**Lilly: **-looks sharply at Remus- Promised what?

**Remus: **Erm…

**Lily: **Remus! –picks up book- Tell me! NOW!

**James: **I'd do as she says mate, that book is a lethal weapon in her hands –winces and rubs head-

**Remus: **He promised never to get drunk without letting me or James know first…Sirius drunk without supervision can get pretty scary.

**Lily: **You mean you've let him get this drunk before?? You realize he's becoming an alcoholic because of you!

**James: **_She's so pretty when she's not mad at me. _–sigh-

**Remus: **-relatively embarrassed look-

**Sirius: **-tries to focus on Lily- I'm not an alcoholic Love, I'm a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings!

**Lily: **-puts head in hands and sighs-

**James: **-grabs two bottles of fire whiskey- Well as long as we've got these…we might as well take a sip or two, eh Moony?

**Remus: **Thought you'd never ask.

**Lily: **Oh no you don't! I'm no good at the sobering spell! What will I do if all three of you are drunk?

**James: **Oh come on Lily Flower! Sirius is the only closet alcoholic here!

**Sirius: **DRUNK!

**James: **Sorry. Drunk. But please Lily?

Lily looked to Remus for support, dismayed to find he had already started his Fire Whiskey while she and James were fighting.

**Lily: **Fine –sigh- But help me get him away from the Fire Whisky. And I'm not responsible for any errant spells that happen if you get drunk!

**Remus and James: **-drag Sirius onto the couch next to Lily-

**James: **Have fun with him…-sneaks behind couch for another bottle of Fire Whiskey-

**Remus: **Well who's gonna read now?

**James: **-looks at Sirius- _No chance _–looks at Lily- _no chance in _hell, _unless I want to be skinned alive. _Uhm. Me I guess.

**Remus: **-takes a gulp of fire whiskey-

**James: Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. _He _didn't see the owls-**stops and stares at Lily-

**Lily: -**coos and murmurs in baby talk to Sirius-

**James: **_Why is it that a drunken Sirius brings out the best in her?_

**Remus: **_Who knows? The girl's a mystery Padfoot, you've got your work cut out for you._

**James: **_-mental sigh- you've got that right…Hey wait…_

**Remus: **_Yeah?_

**James: **_Since when were we telepathetically connected?_

**Remus: **_It's telepathically, and we're not._

**James: **_Oh –mental face fall- Darn it, that could've had some serious advantages._

**Remus: **_Yeah. You better get back to reading before Lily notices something._

**James: **_Right. _**Owls swooping past in broad daylight. **What's so odd about that? It'd be weirder if they only flew during the night.

**Remus: **In the muggle world, owls _do _only fly during the night.

**James: **Oh…-shakes head- muggles. **Though people down the street did; they pointed and gazed open mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead-**

**Sirius: **-shoves banana in Lily's face- But Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely! You –hic- said-

**Lily: **Oh can it Sirius! –does sobering spell on Sirius-

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**James: **I'm seriously contemplating revoking my assumption that drunks bring out the best in Lily.

**Remus: **I'm going to have to agree with you on that one Prongs…

**Lily: **Woops…told you I sucked at sobering spells! I try to be nice to the bloody prat! But he's just too much of a…a PRAT! Especially when he's drunk!

**Remus and James: **-stare at Sirius-

**Lily: **You should've seen the last person I did this too…this is an improvement on my part, believe me!

**James and Remus: **-stare at Sirius-

Remus and James were almost completely sure they didn't want to see the last person Lily had "sobered up". In place of a drunken Sirius, there was now a vaguely armadillo shaped creature. Except that is was huge, blue and covered in what else but…bananas.

James got over the shock of seeing Sirius…changed, enough to realize the possibilities.

**James: **Lily! That's BRILLIANT! How the hell did you do that? –laughs like a laughing loon-

**Lily: **I don't know! But every time I try to make someone sober, they turn into some sort of creepy fruit animal.

**Remus: **Lily, I think I know how you can say it right, you just need to say the a-

**James: **Shut up Moony! I don't car how she can say it right! I wanna know how she said it _wrong_. –puts arm around Lily- So Lily Flower, what's your secret?

**Lily: **If I knew what I was saying wrong do you think I would be saying it? –shrugs off his arm-

**James: **-shrugs- I would.

**Lily: **-rolls eyes- No surprise there.

**Remus: **Lily…do you know how to change him back? –eyes armadillo/Sirius warily-

**Lily: **Yeah… kind of. I was kind of thinking we could leave him like that for a while. He's so much quieter that way.

**Remus: **True -considers this-

**Armadillo/Sirius: **-starts to shake and bounce violently knocking things over and making a noise known only to scary Banana armadillo creature things-

**All: **-scared looks-

**James: **Apparently it can hear us…Change it back Lily! Change it back! I am scareeeeeeeeeed! –hides behind Lily and Remus-

**Lily: **On second thought, I think I take James's advice on this one –closes eyes and waves wand in general direction of Sirius-

**Sirius: **-makes disturbing slurping noise and glops back to human form. Mostly-

**James: **Siri-!

**Sirius: **WHAT THE HELL? WHY WAS I A FREAKING ARMADILLO? AND YOU THREE WANKERS WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME LIKE THAT! Some friends you are. No wonder I'm an alcoholic!

**James: **Drunk.

**Sirius: **-nods in James's direction- Drunk. –goes to grab another Fire Whiskey-

**James: **Not a good idea mate…

**Sirius: **-growls- (yes growls) Why not?

**Remus: **-points at Lily's raised wand- That's why.

**Sirius: **-gulp- Uhm…just kidding…-nervous giggle-

**Lily: **That's what I thought. –sits on couch next to James- K, keep reading Jamesie.

**Sirius: **-shake head in confusion-

**James: **Only if you tell me how you changed Sirius into an armadillo.

**Lily: **-smiles sweetly- No, I'll show you though. –starts to pull out wand-

**James: **-nervous smile- Er, no that's ok, I'm good…**Most of them had never seen an owl in daylight.**

**Sirius: **Poor deprived bananas…-shakes head sadly-

**Remus: **You'd think after all that he'd drop the bananas thing.

**James: **Did you really think that?

**Remus: **No…I s'pose not. Just wishful thinking.

**James: Mr. Dursley however had a perfectly owl free morning. He yelled at five different people. He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and-**

**Lily: **Practice his ballet moves, he was auditioning for the Nutcracker you know.

**James: **-giggles- nut-

**Lily: **Don't say another…syllable. –glare-

**Sirius: **pshaw, ballet, he wasn't doing ballet, he went out to massacre millions of innocent people with his trusty banana sidekick…-mumbles incoherently-

**Remus: **No you're both wrong; obviously he went to the library to practice being interesting.

**Sirius: **...**A**nd THEN they turned the prince into an armadillo. A golden armadillo, the color of bananas because he…-mumbles incoherently again-

**All: -**Stare at Sirius-

**James: Walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery. **Moony won.

**Lily and Sirius: **WHY?!

**James: **They both end in y.

**Remus: **Only you Prongs would have that kind of logic, -laughs- Only you.

**Author Note: Wooo that took like a really long time to type. Its like midnight right now. Srry about the random ending I'm tired lol. And to demonstrate how much reviews speed up my writing, I was about to stop writing this because I was tired and bored, then I got a review! a really good funny review! (luv ya murdrax lol) and I was like yay! Ppl like my story so I'll keep on writing. So REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! happy authorgood story+lotsa updates! Yay! Love u all for reading this! N I still need a beta!**


	7. Sirius Sane?

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note-Read Review, you no the drill lol**

**Thanks to: Giddy Girlie, Murdrax(woot I get an award!), this-recurring-dream(haha like 6 reviews! Yay! N no! JEFFREY ROX MORE THAN ULI!), Nordic Knowledge Goddess(heeeee), and ravenclawroyalty(yay! I'm so glad I made ur day better! That makes me so happy!)**

**Chapter 7: Sirius…Sane?**

**Lily: -**sits on James's lap- Oh Jamesie……

**Boys: **-stare at Lily-

**Lily: **-leans closer to James- Jamesie, I think I won.

**James: **-drools a bit-

**Remus: **Huh?

**Lily: **-coos- Jamesie, don't you think I won?

**James: **-nods…mouth opens a little wider-

**Lily: **-closes James's mouth and pats his cheek- I won! HA!

**James: **-still staring at Lilly…-

**Remus: **Ballet. Ballet! I ask you…-mutters about James's stupidity and Lily's damn womanly charms-

**Lily: **-smug smile-

**Sirius: **Prongs? –waves hand in front of face-

**James: **-silence-

**Sirius: **OI! PRONGS!

**James: **-touches cheek-

**Sirius: **I'm reading! –grabs book- **He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them-**

**Lily: **Doing tribal dances of the ancient mesopotato-ians.

**Remus: **Mesopotamian? Perhaps? Did they even have ancient tribal dances, actually Mesopotamia was more of a place than –drones on to himself. Mostly because no one was listening-

**James: **-stares at Lily-

**Lily: **-scoots away from James-

**Sirius: Next to the Bakers.** He eyed them angrily –demonstrates angry eyeing by staring at Remus intently-

**Remus: **-scoots away from Sirius-

**Sirius: He didn't know why but they made him uneasy. This bunch were whispering excitedly too, and he couldn't see **–stops reading abruptly, notices a banana in the corner and gets up to go get it-

**Remus and Lily: **-odd looks at Sirius-

**James: **-stares at Lily-

**Lily: **Do you think James has gone into some kind of awakeish coma?

**Remus: **Who knows? You can never really tell with James. But I guess I'm reading now, since Sirius is…preoccupied.

**Sirius: **-sings softly to his banana in the corner-

**Lily: **Erm…lets just ignore him for now, shall we?

**Remus: **-tries hard not to look at Sirius- that's probably a good idea…**he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large-**

**Sirius: **BANANA! –runs and jumps over the front of the couch, then falls over the back of the couch onto James and Lily's Lap's-

**Remus: **-hits head with book and hands it to Lily-

**Lily: **-hits head with book and hands it back to Remus-

**James: **Padfoot! –stands up and knocks Sirius off the couch-

**Remus: **Well at least we know James hasn't turned into some sort of weird vegetable.

**James: **-tackles Sirius-

**Lily: **-sigh- you can't have everything I guess.

**Remus: **Lily!

**Lily: **Oh come on Remus, it wouldn't have been that big of a loss, would it?

**Remus: **Yes! It would have been! Do you know how hard it is to take care of a vegetable?

**Lily: **No…

**Remus: **Neither do I…But I'll bet it is hard. Besides, Lily, he's REALLY not that bad-

**James: **CHARGE! –jumps off the desk onto Sirius's back-

**Lily: **Not bad? He's like a freakin' four year old!

**Remus: **But for year olds are...cute, right?

**James: **REMY! I didn't know you were on a swing that swang…swung…swinged! That way!

**Remus and Lily: **-blank stares-

**Sirius: **-bows- Allow me to translate! I speak Jamesieish. What he meant is that he is happy to know you "swing" –winks at Remus- his way Moony, and he was expressing his delight and joy in the fact he can finally express his true undying love for you!

**James and Remus: **-horrified looks-

**Lily: **-in hysterics- Hahahahaha, Remus! I think he's hahahaha right! Since he's such a cute hahahahah four year old, you'll be hahahaha perfect for each other! –starts having trouble breathing from laughing-

**Remus: **What? But I don't…I'm not-

**James: **But! Lily! NO! –sputters- Damn you Padfoot! You do not speak Jamesieish –goes after Sirius-

Now a normal unobsessed-with-bananas-person would have run away if they saw James (who had big, ripplley muscles, from Quidditch that rippled like a cheetahs muscles ripple when they move and…. (**A/N: Sorry…If it weren't for Lily, James would be MINE**) running towards them. But, fortunately for us, Sirius is an abnormal person obsessed with bananas, and nothing as boring as him running away occurred. Instead Sirius ran towards James like he was about to give him a big hug. Which kind of confused James, despite all his rippling muscles…

**Sirius: **-dives toward James's legs and knocks him over- I got you Jamesie!!

**Lily: **And they're wrestling again. LIKE TWO FOUR YEAR OLDS.

**Remus: **-sigh-

**Lily: **Anyway, where are we in the book? –doing her best not to notice James and Sirius-

**Remus:** We're right at the part where Dursley is holding a big banana.

**Lily: **-alarmed look at Remus- Remus you just said…-glances nervously at Sirius-

**Sirius: **Banana-stands up and walks away from James-

**James: **-scratches head, and wonders where Sirius went-

**Lily: **No insane rants? No jumping over the couch and knocking things over? Just getting up and walking away from a fight…You'd think I'd be glad about this. But actually it kind of scares me.

**Remus: **I know, Sirius being…normal is kind of eerie. Don't you think?

**Lily: **I s'pose you could call it normal. For Sirius it is positively sane.

**Sirius: **-gathers up all the bananas scattered around the room-

**James: **-finally stops wondering what happened to Sirius long enough to go sit by Lily- Lily Flower! –starts to hug Lily-

**Lily: **-squeaks and scoots towards Remus on her left-

**James: -**sad puppy eyes at Lily-

**Remus: **Uhmmm…**eyed them angrily…made him uneasy…whispering excitedly too...way back past them…clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying. "The Potters, that's right,-**

**James: **Shhhh! Theyre talking about me and Lily now!

**Lily: **You're the only one talking prat!

**Remus: that's what I heard-'' "yes, their son, Harry-"**

**James: **I KNEW I liked that name! Lily! We named him Harry! Our baby Lily! Our baby! –bounces-

**Lily: **-groans and puts head in hands, mutters about "sick twisted books"-

**Remus: Mr. Dursley stopped dead.**

**James: **He died?

**Remus: **No, it's stopped dead. Not stopped _comma _dead. Stopped dead.

**James: **-blank stare-

**Remus: **Why do I even bother?

**Lily: **Oh stop complaining! I married the simpleton!

**James: **Lily! You admit it! Will you marry me!?

**Lily: **-silence-

**James: **….simpleton?

**Lily: **Gah! –throws hands up in the air-

**Remus: **-shakes head- **Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something…to…..them…..**-stops reading and looks as Sirius who is walking up to the couch-

**Lily and Remus: **-stare fearfully at the suspiciously unsuspicious way Sirius is walking-

**James: **-notices Lily staring at Sirius and stares too-

**Sirius: **-sits down by James- I know I'm hot you guys, but really you're embarrassing me.

**Lily and Remus: **-flustered-

**Lily: **-grabs book from Remus- Er…I'll read!

**James: **-still staring disconcertingly at Sirius-

**Sirius: **Erm…Lily's that way, mate. –turns James's head away from him-

**James: **-stares at Lily-

**Remus: **-Whispering to Lily- Sirius is scaring me, what do you think he has planned?

**Lily: **-shrugs- **but thought better of it. He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone and had almost finished dialing his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his **–winces in anticipation-

-silence-

**Lilly: **-opens one eye- Uhmmm…

**Boys: -**stare at Lily-

**Lily: **Erm…Here James, you read. –hands book to James-

**James: **Whatever you say Lily –silly smile- **Mustache**…hehe…mustache **thinking…no, he was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. **Excuse me! I am the only Potter with a son named Harry here! Don't say I'm not unique.

**Lily: **I really wish I could be agreeing with the muggle here…but James is right!

**James **–happy dance- I'm right! She said I was right!

**Lily: **Oh calm down and keep reading James!

**James: **-obeys Lily so fast it's scary-**He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. **Harvey? HARVEY? IT WAS HARRY! IDIOT! Harry I tell you!

**Remus: **Calm down Prongs…he's just a silly muggle in a book after all.

**James: -**mutters- darn muggles…never get anything right. **Or Harold. **HAROLD?? WHA-

**Sirius: **BANANANANANANANANANA **–**throws a pile of bananas up in the air-

**Remus: **-sigh- I knew it couldn't last.

**Lily: **Remember when I said, I wasn't glad Sirius was being normal? I take that back.

**Author Note: Weee its been bout a weekish since I've updated! School and marching band take up soooo much time. But anyway marching band ends this weekend. Which is sad. But good. So yay! Bad ending. But I have to go and I really wanted to get this chap up. My betas will b disappointed in me. Ohwell. Anyways! If you haven't already, read the two other fics that are up on my account, I didn't write them, they r by one of my bestest friends, who doesn't want anyone to know who she is, but anyway! Theyre awesome! READ THEM! And REVIEW! Whenever I start procrastinating I go and read my reviews and start writing again! So Review and get those really nummy kind of cookies that I can't think of the name of right now.**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	8. Back to Normalish

**Disclaimer: ****No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note-Yay! chapter 8! Thanks to my lurverley reviewers!**

**Marauder-lover-forever-um you want me to let them act childish more? hehe i think thats what u meant anyway**

**Murdrax-haha dont' worry if i perish, i'll tell you. somehow. do you know how long it would take to do ALL the books! i'm only on like the 5th page!! it would take a LONG TIME! anyway, glad u liked it!!!!! u r awesome!**

**this-recurring-dream-haha yay bananas!**

**ravenclawroyalty: yay! glad ya liked it. yeah i wouldn't have made Sirius's head explode, but then he might have like died, and what would we do without our favorite banana obsessed marauder?? **

**and last and definitly least(jk Kelly i love u)**

**KELLY-and i am not going to type your not so secret superfan because that takes way to friggen long. anyway a beta _is_ a fish dumdum, all good writeres need them. oh and where did i capitalize laps???? i dont know y i didnt just say this to you like 30 seconds ago when i was on the phone with you. but watever you had to eat lunch. Oh and wasn't the whole point of changing my name to Beverly so that no one would could tell the notes were from you? which actually makes no sense really. And ya if ppl want to read the reviews they can. my handwriting isn't illegible when i type it! besides you can read it. right? or do u just pretend to read my notes? ok yeah time to actually put the story up. yay!**

**Chapter 8: Back to Normalish...**

**Sirius: **-dances on coffee table…with a banana-

**Remus: **So what do you think made him act sane for so long?

**Lily: **If you can call five minutes long.

**Remus: **Considering it's Sirius, yes I do consider that long.

**James: **Well maybe it was another one of his social experiments. Like the time he decided to go and stroke peoples' faces while wearing a clown mask to get their reaction. He made Wormtail follow him around all day write stuff down. Then that night, he kept going on and on about Sirius's genius-ness and creative-ness of all things. Sometimes I worry about Wormtail.

**Remus: **Creativity.

**Lily: **I still get nightmares from that.

**Remus: **Well Sirius still has the scar from you biting him so I s'pose that's a fair trade.

**James: **That scar is from you Lily?! Damn.

**Lily: **Well when a Sirius, who is scary enough without a clown mask on, comes up behind you and strokes your cheek, what is your first reaction going to be?

**James: **Uhm….

**Lily: **BITE HIM! I mean what else would you do?

**Sirius: **-squeaks and goes to hide behind Remus-

**Lily: **-rolls eyes- Keep reading James.

**James: **Anything for you Lily Dear!

**Lily: **-tries to look annoyed but giggles-

**James: There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her-if _he'd _****had a sister like that…**

**Lily: **My god, his sister is worse than I am! Marge –shudder- she's an overweight drunk creepy cat lady. Except she doesn't like cats. And she's not very old.

**Remus: **How do you end up a cat lady when you don't like cats?

**Lily: **She likes dogs.

**Remus: **-odd look- erm…ok.

**James: **-shrugs- Makes sense to me.

**Lily: **See Remus, James think I make sense. –realizes what she has just said and gives James a startled look-

**Sirius: **-pokes Remus-

**Remus: **What?

**Sirius: **-whistles-

**Remus: **-annoyed look-

**James: but all the same, those people in cloaks…**

**Lily: **My god, what is up with this man and cloaks? It's like saying look at all those weird people wearing _pants. _Would he rather we all be naked?

**James: **-shakes head sadly- muggles…Wait, Naked!?

**Lily: **-hits forehead-

**Remus: **Keep reading Prongs.

**Sirius: **-whispers loudly- Remy…Oh Remy!

**Remus: **What is it Sirius?

**Sirius: **-laughs hysterically- O Remy, Remy! Wherethere for art thee Remy! Deny thy panther and refuse thine rubbish! Or if thoun wilt not wilt thine flower and I'll no longer belong to caps-a-bet! **(A/N: We're reading Romeo and Juliet in English right now)**

**Remus: **You actually read that?

**Sirius: **Erm…no?

**James: **AHEM! **He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into-**

**Lily: **A scary children's song singer named Raffi! **(A/n haha sorry I was babysitting a lil 2 year old while I was writing this.)**

**Remus: **Uhm….

**Sirius: **-pokes Remus-

**Remus: **What! And would you stop hiding behind me! Your knees are sharper than James's.

**James: **Hey!

**Sirius: **-whispers-

**Remus: **Huh?

**Sirius: **-whispers louder-

**Remus: **Speak up Padfoot!

**Sirius: **-whispers wetly-

**Remus: **My god Sirius! –wipes face- say it don't spray it!

**James: **You got it on the book. Gross.

**Remus: **The book! Sirius!

**Sirius: **-grabs spitty book and waves it around- BANANA! That is what I have been trying to tell you! WALKED STRAIGHT INTO A BANANA! GAHH! You guys are so rude! Don't let a guy get a word in edgewise, I mean-

-ten minutes later-

-Remus Lily and James fall asleep-

-seven minutes later-

**Sirius: **Gosh, common courtesy people! Even my bananas don't blabber as much as you guys do, and they can go on and on and-

**Lily: **-wakes up and stares at Sirius-

S**irius: **on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and…

**Remus: **-wakes up and takes book from Sirius- **Walked straight into someone just outside the dorr. "Sorry,"-**

**James: **-wakes up…sort of- Oh don't worry Matilda it's…

**Lily and Remus: **-odd looks at James-

**Sirius: **And on and on and on and on and on and on and on…

**Remus: **Anyway…**"Sorry" he grunted as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.**

**Lily: **Wow he got lucky on that one, that big fat whale that calls himself Dursley probably could have killed the poor old guy with his immense bulk.

**Remus: It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.**

**Lily: **There he goes with his cloak fetish again…

**Remus: He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split-**

**James: **I bet that hurt.

**Remus: Into a wide smile-**

**Sirius: **I bet it was a scary smile. Like Kreacher's smile when he has something nasty to say to me.

**Remus: and he said in a squeaky voice-**

**Sirius: **IT IS KREACHER! I would know that voice anywhere! I'll never escape him!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh –runs around the room and then back to hid behind Remus-

**Lily: **Kreacher?

**Sirius: **WHERE?!

**James: **His scary house elf.

**Lily: **Ohh…

**Remus: voice that made passersby stare, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir for nothing could upset me today! **

**James: **I'll have what he's having.

**Remus: Rejoice for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"**

**James: **Who?

**Remus: **You-Know-Who.

**James: **Huh?

**Remus: **You-Know-Who.

**James: **Bloody Hell Remus!! I don't know who! Just tell me for god's sakes!

**Remus: **You-Know-Who! That's what it says in the book! –waves book in front of James's face- See!

**James: **Oh. Who's that?

**Remus: ­**-sigh- how am I supposed to know?

**Sirius: **Remy. You're Remy. You know everthing.

**Remus: **-rolls eyes- **And the old man hugged Dursley around the middle and walked off.**

**Lily: **That would be creepy.

**James: **-hugs Lily- Was that creepy?

**Lily: **Kind of.

**Remus: Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He-**

**Sirius: **Waaaaooooooooooowwwoooooo

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Lily: **He sounds like a drunken sheep.

**James: **He _is_ a drunken sheep.

**Sirius: **Wooooooooooooaooooowaaaaaaa

**All: **-scoot away from Sirius-

**Remus: **Actually, I think he sounds more like a goat than a sheep.

**James: **A dying goat being eaten by a drunken sheep.

**Lily: **Ew.

**Sirius: **Waaaaaaaaaooooooowoooooo. I'M A WOOKIE! A WOOKIE I TELL YOU! A WOOKIE! Not a sheep!

**Remus: **Goat.

**James: **Maybe he;s a wookie being eaten by a drunken sheep.

**Lily: **While getting a pedicure from the dying goat.

**Boys: **-stare at Lily-

**Lily: **What? I've heard they're very good at it.

-silence-

**Sirius: **Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiwoooooaaa!

**Lily: **Still sounds more like a sheep than a wookie to me.

**Sirius: **I AM NOT A SHEEP!

**Remus: Had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a muggle. Whatever that was.**

**Sirius: **Poor muggles. Don't even know what they are. Isn't that depressing?

-silence-

**Sirius: **-stares crazily at Lily-

**Lily: **-looks uncomfortable- Erm…no?

**Sirius: **-jumps up- WRONG ANSWER! How would you like to wander the earth all your days never knowing what you truly were?

**Remus: **Well Padfoot, with muggles its not like they actually are anything, they are just muggles. They-

**Sirius: **Moony. Shut up. Your logic is ruining my argument.

**Remus: He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he never hoped before, because he didn't approve of things like imagination.**

**Lily: **Now _that _is depressing.

**Sirius: **Um, No.

**James: **Do you approve in imagination Lily?

**Lily: **-odd look- Uh…yeah. Duh.

**James: **-nods- OK.

**Remus: As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw-and it didn't improve his mood-was that tabby cat he'd-**

**Sirius: **I'm bored. –takes book from Remus- I say we play strip poker.

**Author Note: hahaha i love over the hedge. funny funny. sorry my little brother is watching it. with french subtitles on. i dunno why. but yeah anyway. i think this is a good chap, and i want lotsa reviews! i'll try to mebbe put another chap up sunday if i can get it written today. so yay cookies! snickerdoodles to my reveiwers!!!!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	9. The Tooth Fairy Really Does Grant Wishes

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers! **

**Author Note-****Omg the hits went up so fast when I put chap 8 up, I swear someone was just going thru the chapters for no reason. On my hits graph (yes I am a nerd, I have a graph for how many ppl have visited my story) it went straight up! Well almost straight up because as you know (maybe) mathematically** **if time has passed then the graph can't go straight up. And time had passed. About 2 and a half hours sincei had last taken a count. But I didn't have any more reviews. Which was relatively depressing. But Not really because i got the reviews later!cookies for all y'all (i have a VERY fake southern accent sometimes) and i sorta am blowign off my beta again, i actually proofread it myself a bit. but she is very busy with all sorts of fun stuff so i dont blame her for not betaing. but i was impatient and Saturday is a good day to put up chapters. so yay n thanks to:**

**Oceanchick-yay for new reviewers!!!**

**Marauder-lover-forever-hehe i'll work on makin em act like little kids. maybe i'll watch my little siblings kill each other for a while to get ideas lol**

**This-recurring-dream-hahaha your review made me laugh**

**Ravenclawroyalty-the banana song? i'll have to look that up i dont think it was on the video i watched...oh and yes goats do give very good pedicures. its amazing what they can do with those hoofs of theirs.**

**lukesweetheart-(again) yay for new reviewers!!! **

**murdrax-but if they put a restrainign charm on him who would act all weird and banana obsessed for us!!??**

**piggy396-well you asked wat was up with Sirius and bananas...and actually they're very full of potassium and other good crap like that so Sirius being the health concious young lad that he is likes them because...well really i dont know, who could begin to fathom the er...complicated recesses of Sirius brain. ok this is long and pointless, so thanks for the review anyway!**

**Kelly-you no whats sad? i didnt get the kellaylay thing until that review. but thats ok im slow sometimes hehe, oh and i probably told you this about a thousand times but speaking of GEORGIA her new book is comin out! yay!and i know i said i would put it up on wednesday, but like i said up there, my beta is sehr busy with all kinds of things.**

**k that was long and dumb so FINALLY here's chapter nine**

**Chapter 9: The Tooth Fairy Really Does Grant Wishes, You know.**

**Lily: **Strip poker?! With you three? No way in hell!

**Remus: **I'm kind of on Lily's side with this one…don't you think it would b kind of awkward, with us three guys, and Lily?

**Sirius: **No! It's only awkward if you play it with all guys.

**Lily: **Or all girls.

**Sirius: **No it's not.

**Lily: **Pervert.

**Sirius: **What about you Jamesie? Up for a little strip poker? If you say yes, then we'll have the majority.

**James: **Well…

**Remus: **What math are you going by Padfoot? If James says yes you'll only have 2.

**Lily: **And the tie-breaker will go to the less awkward option.

**Sirius: **Nope, it's two against two right now.

**Remus: **But James hasn't said yes or no yet.

James was having some very conflicting thoughts right now. On one hand, Lily and strip poker would be like…Lily and strip poker! On the other...Lily plus Remus and Sirius playing strip poker…well he didn't really want to contemplate that at the moment.

**Sirius: **I know. And as soon as he says yes, it will be three to two. And-

**Lily: **Well Sirius, we all know you might be schizophrenic, but that still doesn't give you two votes.

**Sirius: **I know it doesn't –mutters- we both think it should though. I've said yes, and so has Mr. B here –holds up slightly bruised banana-

**James: **He doesn't have a vote! He can't even take off his clothes.

**Lily: **He's a banana! He doesn't even have clothes! Why am I calling an "it" a "he"?

**Sirius: **Yes he does! His peels! God you're all simpletons.-talks to "Mr. B."- Me and you are the only sane ones here –pause- You totally just read my mind on that one mate! ESP!

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Sirius: **Oh stop staring. I know you all think I'm sexy. –wiggles- but since you're all stuck up prudes, you'll never get to see! –sticks tongue out-

**James: **I'm no stuck up prude! Count me in Padfoot.

**Lily: **JAMES!

**Sirius: **HA! Majority rules! Anybody have cards?

**Lily: **Majority?! That damn banana doesn't get a vote!

**Sirius: **Lily! Have you no heart!? Don't talk about Mr. B. like he's not here! She didn't mean it Mr. B. don't cry. Lily, look at him! –shoves banana into Lily's face- You witch.

**Lily: **Wow Sirius. Buh-urn.

**James: **She is not a witch Padfoot! Erm…well she is. But not like that…don't be mean to Lily!

**Sirius: **Whose side are you on here prongs?

**Lily: **Inanimate objects do not have votes, and they don't cry. We are not playing strip poker!

**Sirius: **But Lily! Majority rules. This is a democracy, isn't it?

**Lily: **One, the banana does not get a vote. Two, this isn't a democracy.

**James: **It's not? –confused look-

**Lily: **Nope. This is England. It's a monarchy. And I just appointed myself Queen.

**James: **ALL HAIL QUEEN LILY!!! Can I be your king?

**Lily: **Are you kidding me? I'm running this country on my own.

**Remus: **Well technically Lily, If you're modeling this after England, you'd need a house of commons and Lords, and I'm pretty sure you can't just appoint yourself Queen, that-

**Lily: **Remus! Shut up! Do you want to take have to your clothes off?

**Sirius: **Oh well in that case, Mr. B. and I are the House of Lords. James can be the House of Commons. As we all voted yes, and you are only the Queen, Lily Dearest, we're playing strip poker an there's nothing you can do about it. –sticks tongue out-

**James: **What about Remus?

**Sirius: **Erm…he's…the court jester! They don't get much say in anything do they?

**James: **Don't ask me. I'm not the governmental expert in here.

**Remus: **I will _not_ be the court Jester!

**Sirius: **Fine. Don't be so huffy about it! You can be the resident Stickinarse.

**Remus: **-annoyed look-

**Lily: **I've changed my mind. I'm a dictatoress.

**Remus: **Dictatoress? I'm pretty sure dictator's a unisex word.

**Lily: **So? Dictatoress sounds pretty. It's all pink and stuff.

**Sirius: **Well if you're the dictator-

**Lily: **DICTATORESS!

**Sirius: **Fine! If you're the dictatoress then I'm going to start a mutiny and take over.

**Lily: **You can't mutiny!

**Sirius: **Why not?!

**Lily: **Because first of all, this isn't a pirate ship and secondly I am an EVIL dictator.

**Sirius: **-eyes go wide- Ohh.

**James: **So…who's up for some strip poker?

**Remus: **-hits head-

**Lily: **Fine! You two-

**Sirius: **THREE!

**Lily: **-rolls eyes- Fine! You three play.

**James: **It's kinda like that saying you can't lead a horse to water until you drown it.

**Lily: **ANIMAL ABUSER!

**James: **No I'm not! It's just an expression!

**Remus: **An expression you butchered pretty badly mate.

**Sirius: **You guys are no fun! Come on Mr. B., let's go. –walks to corner of room and sits down with back to them-

**Lily: **Can we keep reading now?

**James: **Anything for you Lily Flower! –hands book to Lily-

**Lily: **-sly look- Anything?

**James: **Yep.

**Lily: **I'm holding you to that.

**James: **-looks uncomfortable- Er…ok.

**Lily: **-pause- …**tabby cat he'd spotted earlier that morning. It was now sitting-**

**Sirius: **Just to let you know, I'm not speaking to you lot anymore. And neither is Mr. B.

**Lily: **Such a traumatic loss that one is.

**Remus: **Especially because we could never get that Mr. B. to shut up.

**James: **Don't worry Lily, he'll get bored and come back to us soon enough.

**Lily: **_That_ is what I am worried about. **on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes "Shoo!"**

**Sirius: **You guys are all big prats. Did you know that?

**Remus: **Sorry you feel that way Padfoot.

**Sirius: **You should be. Hmmph

**Lily: Said Mr. Dursley loudly. The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.**

**Sirius: **Sounds like you Lily.

**Lily: **Sirius! How can you say you're not speaking to us if you won't shut up!?

**Sirius: **I wasn't talking to you.

**Lily: **Yes you were!

**Sirius: **Was not!

**Lily: **Well you are now.

**Sirius: **No I'm not! I can't talk to you if you're not there.

**-silence-**

**James: **But…Padfoot, we are here.

**Sirius: **No you're not! –jumps up and waves banana around- YOU'RE ALL IN MY HEAD! ALL IN MY HEAD I TELL YOU! **–**points to head- MY HEAD! –calmly sits down and strokes Mr. B.-

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Lily: **I'm _really_ hoping that door appears sometime soon.

**Remus: **Just ignore him, he's only being-

**Sirius: **-random mumblings-

**Lily: **Insane? Scary? Maniacal? Creepy? Completely nuts?

**Remus: **Well…yeah. But mostly just himself.

**Lily: Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.**

**James: **What, is he cheating on her or something?

**Lily: **No prat! About the owls and whatnot

**Sirius: **-louder randomer mumblings-

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**James: **You know Lily; I would never cheat on you.

**Lily: **-blushes- I know.

**James: **You do? I mean…erm…of course-

**Remus: **If I was a girl right now I would be going awwwwww.

**Lily: **Good thing you're not a girl though Remus. You suck at awwwwwing. **Mrs. Dursley had had a nice normal day. **Lucky her, why am I the sister who has to be stuck in a room filled with lunatics?

**James: **Would you rather be married to a fat muggle and have an annoying little brat?

**Lily: **Hmmmm…that's a tough one.

**Remus and James: **Really?

**Lily: **Yep. **She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next doors problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't") **Sounds like a bundle of joy, that Dudley boy.

**Sirius: **-really loud mumbling-

**James: **What is he going on about? Even _I_don't understand it.

**Remus: **Who knows, he's got his banana with him though.

**Sirius: **-slowly turns around and stares at the group without blinking then turns back around it and goes back to mumbling-

**Lily: **Ah! James, save me from your scary friend! –grabs James's arm-

**James: **-puts arm around Lily's shoulder- Don't worry Lily Flower, he won't come near you.

**Lily: **Good. If he does, you're dead.

**James: **-shifts uncomfortably-

**Lily: Mr. Dursley tried to act normally-**

**Sirius: **-smacky noise-

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Sirius: **-smacks banana against the wall-

**Remus: **I wish Sirius would try to act normally.

**Sirius: **Ask the tooth fairy. I've heard she grants wishes.

**Remus: **Erm…

Author Note-K since i sort of wrote an extra novel in my authors note up top, i'll keep this quick. READ N REVIEW lotsa cookies and chocolate and licorice (just incase you've ran out of halloween candy already, or -gasp- didn't go trick or treatign...like me. otherwise if you don't review i will set the monsters that live under my on you. not really i'm not evil like that. Sirius might tho.

mwah♥

Dot


	10. Meet the Family

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: SORRY! It took wayyyy to long for me to get this chap up. And I'm not even going to pretend I have a good excuse for it. 'cause I don't. Pure laziness. That's all. But yay its up now THANK YOU TO ALL MY REVIEWERS I LURVE U!**

**This-Recurring-Dream: OMG isn't he??(raffi) the lil girl I was babysitting was like singing along with him and I was ahhh creepy person.**

**Murdrax-Sirius I scaring me too! N I'm writing it! hahah thanks for reviewing**

**The sentimental sweets/sugar quill, IzzyBree, Zoe: yay new reviewer! I heart u guys, Fanks so much! **

**Kelly: I have nothing to say to you. Nyah. We should go skating again! Mebbe crutches will b there.**

**Piggy396: it DID go right up! Twas amazing I deleted my chart thing though, I decided that it wasn't' important(and I was starting to get overobsessive heee)**

**Ravenclawroyalty: Bananas should b given the right to vote! I bet they'd like accomplish world peace or something. Theyre such peaceful creatures. Ish**

**THANK YOU ALL! YAY**

**Chapter 10: Meet the Family**

**James: **The tooth fairy, eh, Padfoot?

**Sirius: **Yes. Mr. B used to know her quite intimately. He doesn't like to talk about it though. Quite a nasty business it was when she left him for Santa Clause.

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Lily: **I'm scared James! Hold me! –cowers in James's arms-

**James: **_If it weren't so creepy, I'd tell Padfoot to act scary more often. It has some pleasant results._

**Remus: **-approaches Sirius cautiously- Er-Sirius?

**Sirius: **It's not nice to ignore people Moony! –glares-

**Remus: **Uhm…what? Oh, Mr. B…Sirius? Could I see Mr. B. for a second…?

**Sirius: **Of course Moony, I've hogged him quite long enough now. Would you like to meet the rest of his family? –eager look-

**Lily: **Did he just say the banana has a family? Dear lord James why are you friends with that madman?

**James: ** I'll let you know if I remember.

**Remus: **That's really OK Sirius, er- I really don't need to see Mr. B's…family.

**Sirius: **No really, it's no problem! –claps- They'd just LOVE to meet you all! Lemme go round 'em up! –skips around the room collecting random knick knacks and yelling yee haw and howdy partner-

**Remus: **-goes back to couch- Well I tried…

**Lily: **-climbs off James' lap- Fat lot of good it did! Now we have to meet the bananas family for god's sake!

**James: **-puffs out chest-I'll protect you Lady Lily! Sir Jamesie is by your side!

**Lily: **Right…

**Sirius: ­**-bounds up to couch with a euphoric grin on his face- Look! Mr. B's family!! Let me introduce you. This is Mrs. B –holds up what might have been a feather duster in a past life- Met her after the Tooth Fairy scandal. Best thing that ever happened to him

**Remus: **Sirius! THESE ARE INANIMATE OBJECTS-

**Sirius: **-whacks Remus on the head with Mrs. B- Remus! Don't say the "I" word! You are SO inconsiderate!

**James: **IDIOT!

**Sirius: **-withering look at James- Would you stop focusing on yourself so much James? It's unbecoming.

**James: **But isn't that the "I" word?

**Sirius: **Psh, NO! It's –dramatic whisper- Inanimate.

**Lily: **Sirius! This is insane! You need to-

**Sirius: **-grins crazily/evilly at Lily and cracks knuckles-

**Lily: **-squeaks- James! –hides behind James-

**Sirius: **You three are the RUDEST bananas I've ever met. –glares- This is Brother B. –holds up a length of twisted wire- and this is Sister B. She's a wild one she is. –holds up a wicker basket with holes in it- And this is-

**Remus: **Sirius! This needs to stop!

**Sirius: **Shhhhh! You're going to wake up Baby B.!

**Lily: **How do a demented feather duster and a banana have children!?

**Sirius: **I was too polite to ask actually…

**Lily: **-snorts- Polite. Huh.

**Sirius: **Lily! You woke up the baby! –throws the B siblings at Lily and James and starts to sing very off key-falsetto lullabies to a bottle cap that might have soothed a baby hag, but not much else-

**Lily: **James! Get those things away from me!

**James: **Er-ok, anything for you Lily…-picks up wire and basket with two fingers and chucks them across the room-

**Lily: **My Hero!

**Sirius: **SHUT UP STUPID BABY! **–**throws bottle cap across the room-

**Lily:** If that man ever has children I think child protection services should be at the birth to take them away before something horrible happens. I mean imagine what he'd do to something that actually made noise!

**Remus: **I think the bottle cap actually does make noise to him Lily…

**Sirius: **Ahem. Anyway this is Granny B –holds up string with bobby pins attached to it- she's-

**Lily: **Do you think he'll notice if we just start to read?

**James: **Probably not. He's monologueing.

**Sirius: **And here we have Uncle Moggy B.-

**Remus: **Loudly. I could put a silenceing charm on him.

**Lily: **Won't he notice if you do that? He might get…violent. I'll just read. **When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news.**

**James: **Who threw it I wonder.

**Lily: **-disbelieving look- Polar bears, James. Pink ones.

**James: **Ohhh. The pink ones have the best aim you know.

**Lily: "And finally, bird watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?" "Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that in stead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars-**

**James: **Fshhhhhhhhhhhwaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrroooooo.

**Lily and Remus: **-stare at James-

**James: **What? I'm doing my impression of a shooting star.

**Lily: **Uhmm, Yeah. **Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early-its not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight." Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters… Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good-**

**Sirius: **This is second-cousin-twice-removed B. –holds up old dishcloth-

**Remus: **My god, how big of a family can one banana have??

**Lily: **As big as Sirius is crazy.

**Sirius: **-loudly- AND THIS IS SECOND COUSIN'S GREAT UNCLE B. HE'S AN AXE MURDERER. HE DOESN'T LIKE FLOWERS.

**Lily: **-mumbling- Just keep reading…just keep reading. **He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously.**

**James: **Ccccgghgllllleeeeeeheghm

**Lily: **He's choking! Oh my god! Remus! He's choking! HELP!

**James: **NO! It's ok Lily! I'm not choking! Don't worry. I was just erm…clearing my throat. Nervously. Demonstrating what that Dursley fellow was doing…

**Lily: **-hits James- James! You prat! I thought you were dying! Don't you EVER do that again.

**James: **What would I have been choking on anyway? My spit?

**Lily: **Ew. Well it's possible…or you could have been choking on a…on a…banana. Or something.

**James: **Banana! Why would I be eating a banana!? I don't think I could touch a banana after this.

**Remus:** I know what you mean Prongs, I will never look at bananas the same way again.

**Lily: **I won't even look at bananas PERIOD after this. This has scarred us for life.

**Sirius:** Hold Mr. B. for a sec, will you? –gives Mr. B. to Lily-

**Lily: **-screams- GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

**James: **-grabs banana and throws it at Sirius-

**Sirius: **James! –glares- What was that for! You could have killed Mr. B.! –holds up the severely squashed mushy Mr. B.-

**James:** I…er…wanted….well…Lily….didn't want it…

**Sirius: **You're gonna get it James! –runs towards James-

**Lily, James, and Remus: **STUPEFY!

**Sirius: **-falls over backwards-

**Remus: **How long do you think he'll be out for?

**Lily: **Hopefully a loooooooong time. Tie him up or something so when he does wake up he won't come after us.

**James: **We can't do that…

**Lily:** -glares- Yes. We. Can.

**James: **-gulp- Er-ok. Moony?

**Remus: **Why do you make _me_ do it?

**Lily: ** Don't ask why Remus. You don't want to know the answer.

**James and Remus:** -stare at Lily-

**Remus: **Erm…ok then. –conjures ropes and ties Sirius up-

**Lily: **Ok back to reading now. **"Er- Petunia, dear- you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?" **Not voluntarily I'm sure. **As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.**

**James: ** My god, what happened between you two?

**Lily: **-grits teeth- I don't want to talk about it. **"No," she said sharply. "Why?" "Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls…shooting stars…and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today…" "_So_?" snapped Mrs. Dursley. "Well, I just thought…maybe…it was something to do with…you know…_her_ crowd." **GAHHH! They make me so mad! I can't read anymore! –throws book at James-

**James: **Ow! Lily! How many times do I have to tell you that that thing is hardcover?

**Lily: **James! You are _such_ a baby! It's only a book and I didn't even throw it that hard! Just read it will you! I need something to take my mind off Petunia.

**James: **But, Lily, the book is _about_ Petunia. Sort of.

**Lily: **What's your point?

**James: **Well, you know, when you want to take your mind off things don't u like not want to read about them?

**Lily: **James, James, James, you're reading into this wayyy to much. Just read!

**Remus: **-takes book from James-

**James: ** I still don't see how reading about your sister is going to take your mind off her. Hey! The book is gone! It disappeared! Maybe the door is back now! –runs over to wall and starts pounding on it-

**Remus: ** James! The book did not disappear! I have it right here! And for God's sake stop pounding on the wall, there is nothing there.

**James:** What? Oh…-goes back to couch- Well you heard the girl Moony, READ!

**Remus: **-rolls eyes- Ok Prongs. **Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter." He decided he didn't dare.**

**James**: Ha! You big muggle! Not so brave after all are you? Not when James is around! Huh? Huh? Not when James POTTER is around!

**Lily: **Oh shut up you big prat.

**James: ** -hangs head- Ok Lily.

**Remus: Instead he said, as casually as he could,**

**Sirius: **MWUURMMMPPGH

**Lily: **OH NO! He's awake!!!

**Author Note: Ummmmmmm I don't have anything to write here except for REVIEW and I promise I will have the next one up by next Saturday.**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	11. Gurgles, square roots n crazy feminists

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: Woo this definitely the most random chapter so far. But I have it up BEFORE when I said I would yay! There is barely any of the actual book in it. but that's ok. I was sort of worried about it, because I sat down and had absolutely NO idea what to write. I mean I never have a plan or anything but normally I sort of know how to start it before. This one…I didn't. but it was surprisingly easy to write. Mebbe not my best chapter. But u can be the judge of that. And thank you to my reviewers! You guys make me so happy! You're like chocolate, without the calories! Hehe **

**Thanks to my faithful reviewers I heart u guys: Nordic Knowledge Goddess, ProngsxLillyflower, this-recurring-dream, murdrax, ravenclawroyalty, and two new reviewers! Yay! Excitement! Isolde Eris and Jarvi**

**I am too tired to write you all notes I'm sawry…but I still love you all bigger than the Jupiter! And Jupiter is the biggest planet! Yay! I remember stuff from 8th grade science! **

**Chapter 11: Gurgles, square roots, crazy feminists and more!**

**Lily: ** He is NOT going to be very happy is he?

**Remus: **Well what do you think Lily? You made me tie him up!

**Lily: **But HE was the one who was acting like a crazy psychotic banana freak! He was introducing us to FEATHER DUSTERS! For god's sake, he's dangerous!

**Sirius: **moorghmph! –tries to sit up-

**Lily: **-in hysterics- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO! JAMES! REMUS!

**Remus: **Lily, you are paranoid! Sirius REALLY isn't that bad! Right Prongs?

**James: **Right. –nods-

**Lily: **But James! I'm scared!

**James: **-pats Lily on the back- It's gonna be ok Lils, really.

**Sirius: **MUURGHERRMPH!

**Remus: **We need to untie him. No buts Lily!

**Sirius:** Hahahahaha! Moony! You said butts!

**All: **-stare at Sirius-

**Lily: **I thought you gagged him…?

**Remus: **Did I? I don't think I did actually.

**James: ** Then what was up with all his weird mwurghmphy noises?

**Lily: ** THE DEVIL WAS POSSESSING HIM! HES THE DEVIL! –screams-

**James: ** Oh calm down Lily, really even _I _know that Sirius couldn't possibly be possessed by the devil.

**Sirius: **How would you know James?

**James: ** Shut up Sirius. Or go back to gurgling. I'm busy now.

**Sirius: **Only if you untie me.

**James: **NO! I said I was busy!

**Sirius: ** FINE! Mwurrglefwarghmpgh. Happy?

**James: **Very. Ok Lily well the reason that Sirius couldn't be possessed by the devil is. Well it's because…he's…been tied up here with us and we would have noticed if the devil came in and started possessing him. I mean really, how could you not notice a big scary red guy with a tail come in here. Besides there are no doors.

**Lily: **But James, he's the _Devil_he probably can make himself invisible or something. And he can probably walk through walls. And he could probably just appear here, like apparate or something.

**Remus: **Well actually he couldn't apparate, Lily; you can't do that into Hogwarts.

**Lily: **Shut up Remus. I'm trying to make a convincing argument here and you're ruining it by letting James know things that he shouldn't know to make my argument possible.

**James: **What? I heard my name.

**Lily: **No you didn't.

**James: ** I didn't?

**Lily: **Nope.

**James: **Yes I did.

**Lily: **What's the square root of 210681?

**James: **What? What does that have to do with the price of orange juice in Antarctica?

**Lily: **It _is _the price of orange Juice in Antarctica.

**Remus: **It's 459.

**Lily: **What is?

**Remus: ** The square root of 210681.

**Lily: **Why is that relevant Remus?

**Sirius: **Because it's the price of orange juice in Antarctica! Duh Lily. By the way is anyone going to untie me? Mr. B. would, except he doesn't have hands.

**Remus: **Sorry Sirius, we didn't mean to forget about you.

**Lily: **Yes we did! He's possessed by the devil! REMEMBER?

**Remus and James: **NO HE'S NOT!

**Lily: **Well he could be.

**Remus: **-unties Sirius-

**Lily: **When he takes over the world because he's possessed I'll be blaming you Remus.

**James: **Better you than me, mate.

**Sirius: **Who says I would need to be possessed by the devil to take over the world? My charm and good looks would take care of that in a flash if I felt like it. The book even says so.

**Lily: **No it doesn't! What are you talking about?

**Sirius:** How would you know Lily? _You _haven't read all of it.

**Lily: **And you have? I don't think so!

**Sirius:** Well Mr. B. says so. And so does Mrs. B. and Sister B. and-

**Lily: ** OK FINE! I don't care what the inanimate objects say. Read it and see if that's what it says. –hands book to Sirius-

**Sirius: **-clears throat- **Instead he said as casually as he could **"That Sirius fellow is so handsome and charming don't you think Petunia dear?" "OH yes I quite agree. I hope he takes over the world." "I do to! I say we write him a letter suggesting it." "Oh I think you're quite right dear! We shall write him a letter." They wrote a letter and it went a little bit like this –starts singing/humming some random song VERY loudly-

**James: **They wrote you a singing letter? Wow.

**Sirius: **Why would they write me a singing letter James? That bloke is quite weird Lily, can't imagine why you like him.

**Lily: **I…well…don't….I do NOT think that that is what it actually says in the book. Start reading the book the RIGHT way or give it to ME.

**Sirius: **This _is_ the way the book goes. If you don't like that Lily, you can just LEAVE. ANYWAY. They wrote the fantastically amazing Sirius a letter, it went like this. Dear Mister Padfoot Sirius Sir. We think that because you are so amazing and charming and good looking you should take over the world. Even I think that and I happen to be male. My wife Petunia and I think you are remarkably handsome, and incredibly captivating so and you definitely wouldn't need to be possessed by the Devil to take over the world and the Devil would not want to possess you anyway because you are too attractive and he would be jealous of you and we all know the Devil is quite a shallow, self centered and narcissist unlike you, you are very deep and selfless and would make a very good world taker over bloke. The end.

**Lily:** Sirius! You are AGH! You are just too…you. It shouldn't be allowed. Now give me the book so we can finish reading.

**Sirius: **But I'm not done! I haven't gotten to the part where I take over the world and bananas FINALLY have the right to vote (**A/n Ravenclawroyalty gets credit for the banana voting thing ) **and world peace and Sirius worshipping will become a reality.

**Lily:** Sirius you are sick. James! Remus! My god you two are laughing like a pair of lunatics in long johns!

**James: **Long johns?

**Lily: **Yes. Long johns. You know I've always thought that girls' long johns should be called long janes. I mean, must males force male names on our long underwear as well as theirs? It's just not right.

**Sirius: **Feminists –shakes head- How come they're aren't any masculinists?

**Lily: **Because guys are too dumb to know they have rights and fight for them.

**James: **Lily! That wasn't very nice!

**Lily: **It's _true _though. You must admit.

**Sirius:** Feminists are all racists.

**Remus:** Ummm…what? I think Lily's feminist ideas may be a little…radical to say the least but I do have to say that feminists as a whole, including Lily are not racist.

**Sirius: ** But she practically said it! She called males stupid. That is racist.

**James:** He has a point there.

**Remus: **He does not!

**Lily:** I am like the least racist person you will ever meet.

**Sirius: **She's a hypocrite! Listen to her James! How could you like a crazy racist hypocritical feminist?

**James:** Ummm…

**Remus:** Because she isn't a crazy racist hypocritical feminist! Well she _is_ a feminist. And maybe just a tad bit hypocritical. But besides that-

**Sirius: **MOONY! She called men stupid! That is called racist!

**Lily: **No! Male is not a race! It is a gender! And you are proving my point more all the time.

**Sirius: -**mutters about genderism-

**Lily: **-loudly- I'm reading now! The _real_ book, not the twisted egocentric Sirius version. **"Their son-he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?" "I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly. "What's his name again? Howard isn't it?"**

**James:** HOWARD! HOWARD? How many times do I have to tell you Dursley! It's HARRY!

**Lily:** Calm down James, his name is Harry we all know that, who cares what a silly little, well…big, muggle thinks anyway?

**James:** I DO! Wait! I mean…

**Lily: "Harry. Nasty common name, if you ask me."**

**James: **NASTY COMMON NAME! WELL YOU'RE A NASTY COMMON WOMAN PETUNIA! YOU AND YOUR SILLY LITTLE HUSBAND TOO.

**Lily:** I wish I could hear you say that to their faces…sighs dreamily **"Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly.**

**Sirius: **I bet his leg doesn't appreciate _that_ intrusion.

**All:** -stare at Sirius-

**Remus:** Er-What intrusion Sirius?

**Sirius: **His heart. I imagine that legs don't like random organs invading their space. They seem the like a warlike appendage to me.

**James: **He has a point there.

**Lily: **No, he doesn't James. He _really_ doesn't. Figurative language people! Figurative language!** "Yes I quite agree." He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, MR. Dursley crept to the bedroom window-**

**Sirius:** Sprouted wings and with a rush of air, jumped out the window and soared away to the clouds with his banana minions trailing behind him.

**Lily: **No. Sirius, just…no. **and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was starting down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.**

**James:** It probably was waiting for him to get his fat Harry-hating head back inside and mind his own business. –glares at book-

**Lily:** **Was** **he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do** (**A/n Page 7 is done! YES!) with the Potters? If it did…if it got out that they were related to a pair of-Bananas**

**Boys:** -stare at Lily-

**Lily: **Sirius was going to say it anyway. I just said it for him.

**Sirius:** I was NOT going to say bananas! I was going to say chocolate chip banana _muffins. _

**Lily: **Close enough.

**Author Note: I feel kind of dizzy. Maybe its just the excitement of it all….yeah maybe not. Ohwell. Review! Review! Review! Review! And you can get some of Sirius's chocolate chip banana muffins!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**

iHihid


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: I LOVE POTC music. Ok random but yeah im listening to it. ok so yay! I have chap 12 up when I said I would which is exciting. And I discovered the review reply button! Which is even more exciting! So I'm gonna use that to reply to reviews bc yeah. I am. I'm not really too happy with this chapter but yeah. I REALLy want to finish this story, because for some reason I can't start the other fics that I have stored upp in the old noggin until I finish it. don't know why I just can't. I do have most of a oneshot typed so that should be up relatively soonish but eyah on to the story.**

**Chapter 12: NO name for this chap…. **

**Lily: if it got out that they were related to a pair of-well he didn't think he could bear it. The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake,**

**James: **Probably listening to Petunia snore no doubt.

**Lily:** Hahahahaha, yeah probably, no one snores louder than Petunia. Believe me, I know we shared a room for years. **Turning it all over in his mind. His last comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters _were_ involved, there was no reason for them do come near him and Mrs. Dursley.**

**James: **Damn right! He calls my son Harold for god's sake. I wouldn't go near him if my life depended on it.

**Remus: **I bet you do though. I mean why would the author spend so much time making him worry about it if it wasn't going to happen.

**James: **Because….I'm not going near them!!! And I'm taking you up on that bet. Ten galleons we don't go near him.

**Remus:** You're on.

**Lily:** **The Potters knew very well what he and petunia thought about them and their kind….**

**Sirius:** Well do you know what we think of your kind Dursley!? You're all a bunch of prejudiced BANANA haters!

**Remus:** Moving on…

**Lily:** **He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on-he yawned and turned over-it couldn't affect _them…_**

**James:** SEE! Moony I win, nothing is gonna happen, we don't meet end of story. Give me my moolah. –sticks hand in Remus's face-

**Remus:** OK, all that proves is that you guys are DEFINITLY going to meet.

**James:** What are you talking about??

**Remus:** Let's let Lily read a little more, and then if you don't meet, I'll give you the money.

**James:** How about you give me the money now. And if we end up not meeting then I'll give it back.

**Remus:** Uhm…No.

**James:** Lily! Moony is SO mean to meeeeee….

**Lily:** Oh you poor baby.

**James:** I AM NOT A BABY! I am a growned up MAN! –pouts-

**Lily:** Hahahaha, I love the reaction I get when I call boys babies.

**Boys: **-glare at Lily-

**James:** Men.

**Lily: **Ok Jamesiepoo, Men. **How very wrong he was.**

**Remus:** See, they just said it couldn't affect him, and now the _author_ just said how he was wrong. They _do _meet. Pay up Prongs.

**James:** We haven't met yet!

**Sirius:** Well technically Prongs, you've already met if they know enough about you to know they don't want to meet you again.

**James:** Shut up Padfoot. Go make sense somewhere else.

**Lily: Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.**

**Sirius:** Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Stalker cat on the loose! Get Help! Stalker cat! –runs around the room screaming-

**James:** Who would want to stalk the Dursleys? They are just about the most boring people I have ever NOT met.

**Lily:** Truer words were never spoken…-looks surprised- I can't believe I just said that about something James said. **It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead.**

**James:** Maybe it was a stuffed cat.

**Remus:** Why would a stuffed cat be sitting on the street?

**James:** Because that's where it died.

**Remus:** That's sort of morbid.

**Lily:** Well he _is _an animal abuser, what do you expect?

**James: **I am _not_ an animal abuser!

**Lily:** -Jumps off the couch- Yes you are! You are a morbid animal abuser and you stuff poor innocent cats for fun!

**James:** -jumps up too- Why would I do that?! Lily! I am not an animal abuser!

**Sirius:** -jumps off the couch- And bananas are not inanimate objects!

**Lily:** And James would abuse bananas too if Sirius was right!

**Sirius:** I _am_ right!

**James:** Why would I want to abuse a banana?!

**Lily:** Well you abuse cats! And horses too probably and dogs, and emus and lab rats and-

**Sirius:** BANANAS

**James:** I am not an animal abuser for the last time!

**Lily:** Prove it!

**James:** How??

**Lily: **I don't know… do something.

**Remus:** Why don't you make him swear he's not an animal abuser.

**Lily:** He could lie though.

**Remus:** Make him swear by the book, then something horrible will happen to him if he lies.

**Lily: **Ohh good idea Remus. Put your right hand on the book and hold your left hand up in the air.

**James:** Fine.

**Lily:** Ok now do the Klingon salute with your left hand.

**James:** What?? Why??

**Lily:** Because I say so.

**James:** But…but-

**Lily:** Jamesie you love me right?

**James:** uhh yeah…

**Lily:** WELL THEN DO THE KLINGON SALUTE!!! That's better. Now ummm…say I am not an animal abuser.

**James:** I am not an animal abuser. K I'm done can we finish reading?

**Lily:** NO! Now say…I like fluffy bunnies.

**James: **I like fluffy bunnies…

**Lily: **And baby puppies and kittens.

**James: **And baby puppies and kittens.

**Lily: **And I promise I will always say AWW really loudly and squeal if I ever see one.

**James: **What??

**Lily: **SAY IT! Or the book will put a curse on you.

**James: **It can do that?? I promise I will always say aww really loudly and squeal if I ever see one.

**Lily: **Good. Also I will let any and all stray animals into my home.

**James:** But Lily! I'm allergic to cats! And what if there is a stray bear, or cougar, or moose, or HIPPO? What then??

**Lily: **I don't care, and neither does the book. Oh and whenever you see a baby hippo you have to squeal and say aww and name it didgeridoo and announce it to the people in the general vicinity. Doudly.

**James:** Didgeridoo…? –sigh- I will let any and all stray animals in my home and name baby hippos didgeridoo if I see them.

**Lily:** Ok good. Now I know you aren't an animal abuser. Back to the story. You have to stay in the klingon salute for a little longer tho.

**James:** But Lily! My arm hurts!

**Lily:** Awww, poor baby, is baby's little army hurting?

**James:** -raises hand higher and sticks tongue out at Lily-

**Lily:** Thought so –smiles big- now back to the story. **In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all. A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching,-**

**Sirius:** MURDERER! There's a crazy lunatic murderer on the loose and he's going to kill the CAT! Run for your lives!

**Remus:** Are you the murderer Sirius?

**Sirius:** What? No….

**Remus:** Really? You're the only murderer I know who would kill a cat though. If you were a murderer anyway. But I suppose there could be more than on crazy idiot in the world.

**Sirius: **I'm their leader though.

**Remus:** Oh there's no doubt about that…

**James:** How come you call me an animal abuser but you don't call Sirius one? It's not fair Lily!

**Lily:** Life's not fair honey, and PUT YOUR HAND BACK UP!** Appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.**

**Remus:** Popped out of the air would be more accurate. Or out of nothing really.

**Lily: The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.**

**Sirius:** AHHHH SCARY EVIL CAT! It's eating all the bananas! Noooo…

**Lily: Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old,-**

**James:** So everyone on that street is short, fat and a baby?

**Lily:** Stop stereotyping people James. Gosh.** judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked as thought it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.**!

**Boys:** DUMBLEDORE!

**Sirius: **-claps- I bet Dumbledore and the cat get into a fight. It'll be just like wrestling! Except there won't be any pink.

**All:** -stare at Sirius-

**Lily:** What??? Why would Dumbledore wrestle a _cat_?

**Sirius:** It would make an interesting plot line. Go away.

**Lily:** Yeah…**Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots were unwelcome. He was busy rummaging through his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.**

**James:** Poor Dumbledore, finally off his rocker I suppose. Cats really aren't all that funny.

**Sirius:** I think they're funny.

**James:** Yes, but you talk to…bananas. It doesn't count if you think cats are funny.

**Sirius:** Yes it does!

**James:** Does not!

**Sirius:** DOES TOO!

**James:** Bite me!

**Sirius:** Ok –bites James's arm-

**James: **YOU BIT ME!

**Sirius:** -examines James's arm- It's not that bad. Anyway you told me to.

**Lily:** Sirius! Violence is not allowed!

**Sirius:** Since when?

**Lily:** Since you bit James, we don't bite here.

**Sirius: **Who died and made you Queen?

**Lily:** Dictatoress actually, if you remember. And no one died…I had them assassinated.

**Sirius:** -squeaks-

**Remus:** -mutters- Hypocrite.

**Lily:** Powerful Hypocrite Remus. **He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known." He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.**

**James:** Dumbledore! Bad boy! Smoking. Nasty habit.

**Lily:** Dumbledore has never seemed the type to smoke though.

**Sirius:** Maybe we should take him off his pedestal before he gets winded and falls to an untimely death.

**James:** But he's not on a pedestal, he's on Privet drive, Padfoot.

**Sirius:** SO?

**Remus:** He was being hypothetical. Something I thought was just out of reach, knowing his brain capacity, but I guess you learn something new every day.

**Sirius:** You're so right Moony! Like, just the other day I learned that the earth is actually flat and a great big tortoise holds it up. And Green nazi's live on the other side. Isn't that interesting?

**All: **…

**Author Note: Ok weee chapter 12 up, only 2ish more chaps to go I think. Ok now I'm going to go make peanut butter blossom cookies which are REALLY nummy and you get some if you review. So review!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	13. Hot Sexy Werewolves!

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Dedication: My favritest cuzziesAshley and Nina, and Josie who helped write it!!!**

**Author Note: This is the LONGEST chapter yet, just about double all the other chaps. So I hope you all lurve it. Think of it as my Christmas present to you. Or Hanukah. Or Kwanza. And if you celebrate something else that I didn't mention, well first of all, you're just cool, and second of all its that present too! So yay! Like I mentioned above I dedicated it to my cousins and sister who helped me write some of it at 2 in the morning at our Hotel Christmas party. Hehe good times. OK so I hope you all have as much fun reading it as I did writing this chap!**

**Chapter 13: Hot Sexy Werewolves!**

**Sirius: **Oh! And another thing we learned today-

**Remus: **What's that Padfoot?

**Sirius:** That Dumbledore's a smoker.

**Lily:** I bet he's not, it said it _looked _like a silver cigarette lighter –points at book- SEE! **He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. He clicked it again-the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer-**

**Sirius:** Hahahahaha. Put-Outer.

**James: **I don't get it…what's so funny?

**Lily: **Did you expect to understand? It _is_Sirius we're talking about here.

**Sirius:** Put-Outer! It's so literal! I feel like I'm in Germany.

**Remus:** Germany? –confused look-

**Sirius:** Yes. Germany.

**All:** -blanke stares-

**Sirius:** Oh come on! The Germans are a very literal bunch. Like…Geschirrspüler. It means dishwasher. And Geschirr means dishes and spüler means washer! Funny literal bananas, those Germans.

**Remus:** Dishwaser. Dish means dish and washer means washer. That wasn't a very good example of how literal the germans are. The English was just as literal.

**Sirius:** Well…Staubsauger! Vacuum cleaner!!! Staub means dust and sauger means suck! Dust Sucker! What the heck is a vacuum anyway?

**Remus:** A thing that sucks things up. Basically.

**Lily:** Language annoys me.** until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance which were the eyes of the cat watching him.**

**Sirius:** Rawr.

**Lily:** **If anyone looked out of their windows now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley **–big sigh- My mouth hurts. –hands book to James-

**James:** Erm…so does mine –hands book to Remus-

**Remus:** But you haven't even been reading!

**Sirius:** I'll read!!

**Lily: -**grabs book and hits Sirius with it- NO!

**Sirius:** Curse you evil banana! ...Lilyyyyyyy why can't I read?

**Lily:** Uhmmmm…Habit.

**Sirius:** Evil hypocritical Banana Dictatoress.

**Lily:** And proud of it!

**Remus:** -sigh-** they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. **

**James: **Oooh Dumbledore, what are you up to? –waggles eyebrows-

**Remus:** Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat.

**Sirius:** Rawr.

**Lily:** Would you stop that?!

**Sirius:** No. –clicks teeth together loudly- I'm gnashing my fangs at you Lily.

**Lily: **You have broccoli in your teeth.

**Sirius:** I do?! Where?

**Lily:** Right there –very obviously isn't pointing-

**Sirius:** Mirror! Mirror! I need a mirror!

**Remus:** Calm down Sirius, when was the last time you ate a vegetable anyway?

**Sirius:** Does a turnip flavored Bertie Bott's count?

**Remus:** Almost. **He didn't look at it but after a moment he spoke to it. "Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall." **

**Sirius:** -jumps straight up, screams in a falsetto voice and jumps off the back of the couch-

**James:** -looks over the back of the couch- Padfoot, why did you jump off the couch?

**Sirius:** I didn't.

**Lily:** -pops up next to James- Yes you did. You screamed like a girl and jumped off.

**Sirius:** I FELL! Dramatically.

**Lily:** Whatever.

**Remus: **What we really want to know is _why_ you fell dramatically of the back of the couch.

-silence-

**Sirius:** -looks around blankly-

**Lily:** -snaps fingers in Sirius's face- SIRIUS! Why did you "fall"?

**Sirius:** I owe Minnie a detention. And she's SCARY!

**Lily:** Rawr.

**Sirius:** WHERE?

**James:** Lily, you are my lioness.

**Lily: **You mean I run around killing food for you while you sleep all day?

**James:** Uhmm…yes?...no?

**Remus:** **He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.**

**Sirius:** It's a Cheshire cat! –looks around wildly- Where's its mouth?

**Remus:** Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman.

**Sirius:** severe doesn't even begin to cover it! Remember the time we had detention for accidentally adding powdered slug to Professor Slughorn's sleeping potion?

**James:** -cowers- That might have been the single most scary time in my life. She was like a cross between a flesh eating vulture and a….

**Sirius:** Banapire.

**James:** Exactly….What?

**Sirius: **Banapire. Banana-Vampire. Duh.

**Lily:** OH of course, how silly of us not to know what a banapire is. I mean, who _doesn't_ know what a fricken _banapire_ is? Seriously.

**Sirius:** Lily, wasn't your mouth tired?

**Lily:** -starts to object-

**Sirius:** You know what? Talk to the hand! UH!

**Lily:** Uhm…awkward.

**James:** -singing- Oh bring on the men and let the fun begin, a little touch of sin, why wait another min-

**Lily:** Wow…even more awkward.

**James:** Was it? Sorry…I was trying to break the awkwardness.

**Remus:** By singing Bring On the Men from Jekyll and Hyde?

**James:** Erm-yes? How about…The Llama Song?

**Lily:** James, unless you're singing the quiet song-just don't.

**James:** There's a quiet song?

**Remus:** Think about it Prongs. **Who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat-**

**Sirius:** Rawr.

**Lily:** SHUT UP!

**Sirius:** Isn't your mouth still tired Lily?

**Remus:** had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, and emerald one.

**Sirius:** Well I hope she was wearing a cloak! Minnie! Scandalous!

**James:** Just like yours Lily! Except yours is black…not green.

**Lily:** -shrugs- Well it's the thought that counts.

**Remus:** Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.

**Sirius:** -scrunches up and makes a pained expression-

**Lily:** Er-feeling gassy, Sirius?

**Sirius: **No! I'm feeling distinctly ruffled.

**Remus:** I'm not sure if that's a completely accurate expression, Padfoot…"**How did you know it was me?"**

**James:** What do you mean Moony? You're right here.

**Remus:** **SHE ASKED.** **"My dear professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly." "You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.**

**Lily:** That is very stiffening.

**Sirius:** How would you know? Have you ever been a cat?

**Lily:** Uh huh.

**James:** You were a cat?

**Lily:** Yes…

**Sirius:** And she was on a brick wall all day in the hot sun while it was raining and Evil Toaster Elves were dancing in the clouds.

**Lily:** Where do you get this stuff?

**Sirius:** Brilliance. Pure brilliance. And cookies. I eat many many cookies.

**James:** I eat more!

**Remus: "All day?-**

**James:** Yes!

**Remus: When you could have been celebrating?**

**James:** What? No…

**Remus: I must have passed a dozen feasts on my way here."**

**James and Sirius:** Food!

**Remus:** Sustenance!

**Lily:** Calories!

**James:** Do you count Calories, Lily?

**Lily: **No. We were all being stereotypical, so I decided to play along.

**Remus: **What stereotype are you?

**Lily:** A fat person.

**James:** You're fat?

**Lily: **What?!

**James:** Huh?

**Lily:** Did you just call me fat?

**Sirius:** Ha! He did! He called you fat Lily!

**Lily:** James! I thought you hearted me! –bursts into tears-

**James:** Lily! I didn't! I do! Do you want me to hold you?

**Lily:** NO! I wish I had some hot guys!

**Sirius:** What are we? Chopped cabbages?

**Lily:** -wails- Yes!

**James:** I wish I had a hot girl.

**Sirius:** I wish I had a sexy banana.

**Remus: **I wish I had some hot sexy werewolves. **(A/n lol thank Ash for that line)**

**Sirius:** Oh deeas. **(A/n and this one)**

-silence-

**James:** Hot werewolves. I could go for that.

**Lily:** What about me!?

**Sirius:** But you're fat.

**Lily:** -slaps Sirius-

**Sirius:** Ow! That was NOT necessary!

**Lily:** Uhm yes it was. You called me fat, you insensitive blubberbutt.

**Sirius:** Blubberbutt! What?!

**James:** I think we need a group hug. **(A/n Ash)**

**Lily: **Awwww! –hugs boys- **(A/n me)**

**Remus:** We definitely aren't emo **(A/n Nina)**

**James: **-turning blue from Lily's hug- Do emo's not do group hugs?

**Remus:** Not like this. Lily, could you let go now? You're pressing on my esophagus.

**(a/n Ash INSISTED this be added: Lily: You know what?All: What?Lily: I'm 2 sexy 4 mah shirt!)**

**Lily:** Sorry. I was too busy not being emo to notice. –lets go-

**Boys:** -gasp for breath-

**Lily:** I don't think my mouth is tired anymore. I can read again. **Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. "Oh yes, everyone's celebrating all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful-** If the people celebrating are anything like you three, I don't know why she expected any different.

**Remus:** Excuse me!

**Lily:** -high falsetto unRemuslike voice- Hot sexy werewolves!

**Remus:** I have my moments…

**James:** -singing- Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this!

**Lily:** Oh, James! –kisses him-

**Remus and Sirius:** -stare at Lily and James-

**Sirius: **Well that was unexpected.

**Remus:** I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.

**Sirius:** Really? I can't imagine why.

**James and Lily:** -still snogging-

**Remus:** Lets read.

**Sirius:** Oh pick me! Pick me!

**Remus:** Uh –points at Sirius- you?

**Sirius:** YESSSSSSS! **but, oh no-even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news.**

**Remus: **The secret life of Dumbledore and McGonagall. He steals light and she watches the Muggle news.

**Sirius:** Fascinating.

**James and Lily:** -still snogging-

**Sirius:** **She jerked her head at the Dursley's dark living-room window. "I heard it,. Flocks of owls…shooting stars….Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. **Were they?

**Lily:** Hey! Don't dis the Muggles!

**James:** -pulls her back down-

**Sirius: **She speaks! Oh speak again Fair Lady!

**Remus:** Shakespeare.

**Sirius:** Damn it. **Shooting stars down in Kent-I'll bet that was Dedalus diggle. He never had much sense.**

**Remus: **What is everyone celebrating anyway?

**James:** It's my birthday.

**Lily: **James will you shoot shooting stars across the sky for my birthday?

**James:** I'd do anything for you.

**Sirius:** Urgh. Go back to snogging. Please. You're making me throw up a little in my mouth.** "You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently.**

**Lily:** I know! Come on Professor, it's James birthday for goodness sakes! I say, let them eat cake!

**James:** Cake! Where?

**Lily: **Right here big boy –starts snogging him again-

**Sirius:** Isn't there a way you could conjure up a wall or something?

**Remus:** I'm trying to remember…

**Sirius: "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

**Remus:** Eleven years? What happened?

**James: **Well I got lost in Egypt-

**Remus:** Oh don't even start.

**Sirius:** **"I know tha," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors." She threw a sharp sideways glace at Dumbledore here-**Ever notice how everything describing Minnie is so harsh. Tight, sharp, stiff.

**Remus:** Well it is pretty accurate, don't you think?

**Sirius:** Uh no. She may put on a hard outer shell for us students, but I know that underneath it wall she's fluffy as a teddy bear.

**James: -**singing-You're really lovely/Underneath it all/You want to love me/Underneath it all/I'm really lucky/Underneath it all/You're really lovely

**Remus:** Whatever happened to the quiet song?

**Lily:** What are you talking about Remus? I loooove Jamesies singing.

**James:** And I loooove you Lily!

**Lily:** Awww! I loooooove you too!

**Sirius:** -makes gagging noises-

**James:** Oh shut it Sirius, you're just jealous. –puts arm around Lily-

**Sirius: **Hmmph. **As thouth hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. " A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all.**

**Remus:** There they are, going on about You-Know-Who again. The only problem is we _don't_ know who.

**Sirius:** Dude that was like a tongue twister.

**James:** So is Lily. She has a lot of l's.

**Lily:** Betcha I can make your tongue twist without saying a thing.

**James:** You're on!

**Lily:** -snogs James-

**Sirius: **We should time them.

**Remus:** No…we really shouldn't. Keep reading I wanna know who You-Know-Who is.

**Sirius:** Try saying _that_ five times fast! **I suppose he really _has_ gone, Bumbledorio?**

**Remus:** Bumbledorio?

**Sirius:** I'm getting bored.

**Remus:** Let me read then. Go poke James and Lily to amuse yourself or something.

**Sirius:** OK! –pokes James-

**Lily and James: -**try to hit Sirius while not letting go of each other-

**Sirius:** Hahahahahahaha! I am EVIL! Bow down to me! –pokes Lily

**Lily:** -kicks Sirius-

**Sirius:** Damn evil red headed sheep lady Dicatoress.

**Remus:** Sheep?

**Sirius:** Uh _ya._

**Lily and James: **-back to snogging-

**Remus:** Whatever. **"It certainly seems so," said Bumbledorio-**No! Dumbledore.

**Sirius:** CORRUPTION! Muhahahahaha.

**Remus:** **"We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

**Sirius and Remus: **A what?

**Remus: "A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

**Sirius:** Muggles don't make candy!

**Lily:** -pulls away- Do to!

**Sirius:** Well it's not very good is it?

**James:** Bumbledorio seems to think it is.

**Remus:** Did I not get the memo that Dumbledore changed his name?

**Lily:** Oh you got it. You're just to uninsane to realize it. And, Sirius, haven't you heard of Willy Wonka?

**Sirius:** Willy Wonka Willy Wonka Willy Wonka Willy Wonka Willy Wonka. Too easy.

**Lily:** He was only _the_ greatest candy maker ever. He had oompa loompas.

**Sirius:** WHAT? NO FAIR! I _hate_ him. _I_ wan't an oompa loompa. Know what else I want? A squirrel.

**James:** But he would eat your nuts.

-silence-

**James and Sirius: **-burst out laughing hysterically-

**Remus:** Heh. **"No thank you,"**

**Sirius:** Oh come on Moony, you know you want one!

**Remus: SAID MCGONAGALL COLDLY,**

**James:** What? She said "Oh come on Moony you know you want one"?

**Lily:** Hahahaha! James you're so cute!

**Sirius:** If you start to snog again I swear I will make Remus join in.

**Remus, James and Lily: **What?!

**Sirius:** No snogging! Unless it's with me.

**Remus:** Uhm sorry mate…definitely not gonna happen.

**Lily:** And the only one James snogs is ME!

**Sirius: **Well that still leaves you Lily dear.

**Lily:** Don't. Even. Try. I'm armed, and FABULOUS!

**Sirius: **-sticks tongue out-

**Remus:** **as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops. "As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-" "My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this You-Know-Who nonsense-for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name. _Voldemort."_**

**James: Voldemort? Why is that so familiar?**

**Lily: **Isn't that the crazy wizard who's been doing all those horrible Muggle baitings lately…?

**Remus:** Things just got a whole lot weirder…

**Author Note: YAY! Done! Wooo that took a long time to type. I hope you all lurved it. We have TONS of cookies so you get lots if you review!**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


	14. The end, or is it? Oooh sneaky ish

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers! **

**Author Note: Only four reviews last chapter? I'm disapointed. Although i'm not entirely sure the alerts went out...i hope they go out for this one. But Thanks soooooooo much to the people who did review i heart all of you. Anyway, its done and i'm sad. **

**READ THE ENDING AUTHOR NOTE Vair Important**

**That is all i have to say besides read and enjoy!**

**Remus: **_He_ is the reason there were eleven years with "precious little to celebrate"?

**Lily:** According to the book…But who says the book is actually telling the future?

**James:** It could be just a coincidence.

**Sirius:** That is one big-assed coincidence.

**James:** Well it's a big book. Oh, and Moony, you still owe me ten galleons.

**Remus: **Er- let's keep reading. **Professor McGonagall flinched but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.'**

**Sirius:** Especially because it drives us people who don't know insane. The nosy ones who need to know everything, eh Moony?

**Remus:** I'm ignoring you, Padfoot. Pointedly.

**Sirius:** Oh don't be such a prick Moony.

**Lily: **Hahahahahaha

**James:** What's so funny?'

**Lily:** Well prick, pointedly…

**Boys:** -blank stares-

**Lily:** Like a…needle…Oh never mind. Just keep reading.

**Remus:** **I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemorts name." "I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're-**

**Sirius:** A mini marshmallow.

**Remus:** First he's Bumbledorio, now he's a mini marshmallow? I'm surprised he hasn't been a…

**Sirius:** Oh! Speaking of bananas, I'm hungry. –gets up to look for a not-completely-squished-beyond-repair banana-

**Lily:** Good lord, how can he eat those things?

**Sirius: **-puffs out chest- I have a stomach of iron and an esophagus of…jewels!

**James:** Do not!

**Sirius:** I do to! How would you know, anyway? Have _you_ ever seen my esophagus?

**James: **No…But wouldn't you make irony noises if we banged on your stomach?

**Sirius:** No! Why would it do that?

**James:** Because it's made out of iron. I think you're lying.

**Remus:** Well of course he's lying, it's anatomically impossible to have an iron stomach.

**Sirius:** Says who? I bet Darth Vader had an iron stomach. He had mechanical everything else.

**Lily:** Well, sorry to burst your bubble-

**James:** POP!

**Lily: **But Darth Vader turned out to be fictional. So ha.

**Sirius:** You're fictional! –sticks out tongue-

**James:** I say we just bang on his stomach and see if it sounds like the tin man.

**Sirius:** Only if you can catch me! –throws banana at James and runs-

**James:** Graaaaaaaaaaaaar! –runs after Sirius-

**Lily:** What was _that?_

**James:** It was my war cry!

**Lily:** Oi. I think you better keep reading Remus

**Remus:** -hunched over book reading page 23-

**Lily:** Remus! Cheater! Give me the book! –grabs the book-

**Remus:** Hey! I was reading that!

**Lily:** I _know._

**Remus:** -grabs book from Lily- And…I don't think we should read it anymore.

**Lily:** And why not?! –grabs book back- It's just a book Remus. Deal.

**Remus:** But! –dark look- fine.

**Lily: different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know-Who- OH, all right, _Voldemort,_ was afraid of.**

**James**:-crashes into side of wardrobe-

**Sirius:** Hehe! You'll never catch –deep voice- Super Sirius! –takes off running again-

**Lily:** Are you still ignoring them?

**Remus:** -nods- Pointedly.

**Lily:** I'll join you…"**You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have." "Only because you're too-well-noble to use them." "It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."** Awwww! That's so cute! Isn't it cute Remus?

Remus: Er-

**Lily:** _So _cute! **Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore –**sigh- Well it _was _cute. She totally just ruined the moment they were having.

**Remus:** -mutters- I'm glad you think so _now._

**Lily:** Come on Remus, you need to get in touch with your feminine side. You have a severe lack of one.

**Remus:** -stricken look- _What??_

**Lily:** Hehe. Just kidding. **and said "The owls are nothing next to the _rumors_ that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's finally disappeared? About what finally stopped him?**

**Remus:** Lily! Give me the book! –grabs for it-

**Lily:** -whacks Remus on the head- Get _over_ it, Remus!

**Remus:** YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET OVER!

**Sirius:** -jumps up on the couch and promptly crashes over the back-

**James:** -vaults off the coffee table after him-

**Lily:** James! Come here! I need a cuddle.

**James:** -abruptly stops chasing Sirius who smashes into a wall as he was looking behind him at James- Ok lily.

**Lily:** You come here too Sirius. I need someone to read the book while James and I are busy.

**Sirius:** Well what about Moony? He can read. He's quite good at it. Although you'd never be able to tell by looking at him.

**Remus:** Hey!

**Lily:** Remus is being…bad. So you get to read.

**Sirius:** Well this is a nice change of pace. Ish.

**Lily: -**hands book to Sirius and holds out arms to James- Read.

**Sirius:** Say please.

**Lily:** No.

**Sirius:** Fine. **It seemed that professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold,** -gets up and puts one foot on the coffee table and strikes a pose vaguely reminiscent of The Thinker. With a Sirius-y twist. Meaning it looks completely ridiculous- **hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor-**

**Lily:** Sirius, what _are_ you doing?

**Sirius:** I'm being dramatic! Shut up before you ruin the effect. **as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now.**

**Remus:** -mutters-

**Sirius:** Moony! Clam up! _You_ are ruining my moment.

**James: **You're having a moment?

**Sirius:** Yes! Can no one respect that? –switches legs- **It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.**

**Remus:** -mutters-

**Sirius:** Remus! I'm warning you! –louder- **Dumbledore however, was-**

**Remus:** -lunges at Sirius-

**Sirius:** -throws book and tried to pummel Remus-

**Lily:** -knocks on James's head- James? Are you still in there?

**James:** -odd look at Lily- Uh yeah…I'm here Lily.

**Lily:** Ok good. It seemed like Remus might have been channeling you or something.

**Remus:** -hits Sirius and tried to get him to let go-

**James:** Maybe he is and I haven't noticed yet.

**Sirius:** -lets go of Remus-

**Remus:** -goes sprawling-

**Lily:** How would you not-James! Get the book! –jumps up and down and points hysterically-

**Remus: **-lunges towards book- Ha!

**James:** -launches himself on top of Remus-

**Remus:** Oof. What have you been eating? –shoves book underneath him-

**Sirius:** Damn mini marshmallows! –starts pelting very squishy bananas at James and Remus-

**Lily:** James! Get the book away from him! Remus, what is your problem?! –banana hits her- SIRIUS!

**Sirius:** Heh…oops –dives onto James and knocks him off Remus who rolls off the book-

**Remus:** -grabs for book-

**Lily:** -grabs it before Remus-

**Remus: **-stands up- Lily, give it here.

**Lily:** No! Give me on good reason and I…still won't give it to you, but just give me one.

**Remus:** Believe me, you don't _want_ to read the next part.

**Lily: **And why not?

**Remus:** Well I'm not going to tell you! Why would I be trying to get you to not read it if I was going to tell you what I didn't want you to read.

**Lily:** I'm a big girl Remus. I'm sure I can handle it.

**Remus:** -sad look- Fine. It's your funeral-stops abruptly. -Mutters- literally….-sits on the very edge of the couch and crosses arms-

**Lily:** Just so you don't get any more ideas, I'm going to…read from…the top of the wardrobe!

**Sirius:** If Mr. B. is up there, throw him down here for me, will you?

Lily: Uhm…sure. –climbs on top of wardrobe- **Dumbledore however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer. "What they're saying," she pressed on," is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godrics Hollow. He went to f-**

**Remus:** -looks at blank wall where the door should be, then back at Lily- Lily! Look! The door is back!

**James, Lily and Sirius:** WHERE?!

**Sirius:** We're free!

**Remus:** We are? –looks back at the not-so-blank-anymore wall.- We-we are…

**Lily:** -jumps down from wardrobe- Finally! Let's go.

**Remus:** -eyes book still on top of wardrobe- Thank God.

**All:** -run towards door-

**Lily:** Wait!

**Remus:** -panicked look- What?!

**Lily:** We forgot the book, silly.

**Sirius:** I'll get it!

Sirius runs back to the wardrobe to grab the book and sprints out the door. As soon as he crosses the threshold of the door, the book disappears from his hands and reappears instantly back on the desk.

"What the hell?" Lily says, not noticing that the book is back in the room. "Sirius! Where'd the book go?"

"Better that it's gone," Remus mutters.

A dazed look comes over Sirius's face and he peers owlishly back into the room.

"It's back on the desk," James says, turning around.

Lily turns around to look and says, "Oh good, go grab it will you?" She starts back towards the couch with Remus who sighs and says,

"I just can't win!"

"Were you expecting to?" Lily has a genuinely surprised look on her face. She takes a few more steps and notices that Sirius is still outside staring blankly at a corner of the room. First she checks to make sure Mr. B. or something equally Sirius-y isn't in that corner and noticing nothing, she says,

"Sirius! Come back in the room, we need to finish reading the book. I'm pretty sure the door isn't going anyway this time."

"Book?" Sirius whispers softly to himself, confused. He looks wide eyed at Lily and takes a tentative step back into the room.

**(A/N I wrote that whole part and I kept thinking it sounded so weird, then I realized it was like in uber present tense! Which I have major problems with for some reason…so yes I felt the need to share that with you. get on with the story now. Gosh)**

**Lily:** Hurry _up_ Sirius! Good lord!

**Sirius:** -looks decidedly less confused- Only if you give me mini marshmallows!

**Lily:** We'll read without you then. We don't _have_ any mini marshmallows.

**Remus: **No! We should wait for him.

**Lily:** He's like four feet away Remus, I'm sure his hearing isn't _that_ bad.

**James:** **went to find the Potters. **Lily! That's us! Will you marry me? –goes down on one knee-

**Lily:** I-I don't know what to say…I-YES! James I love you! –throws arms around James-

**Sirius:** Disgusting aren't they?

**Remus: -**very sad look-

**Lily:** Now read!

**James:** -dreamy smile- Anything you say…The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are-are-that they're

**Remus:** -cringes-

**James:** -whispers- _dead_.

-silence-

**Lily:** -tear rolls down cheek-

**Remus:** See! That's why I didn't want you to read it!

**Sirius and James:** -stare at each other with open mouths-

**Lily:** -tries to put on a brave face- Well McGonagall said it –voice starts to quaver- it was only a rumor right?

**Remus:** That Dumbledore says is true…

**James:** -fake happy voice- Well hey, you owe me ten galleons Moony! 'Cause we're never…gonna meet…now.

**Lily**: Well it's just a book right…? Maybe we're making a big deal out of nothing.

**Remus:** Yeah, she's right…just a book.

**Lily:** A book I don't want to read anymore.

**James:** -takes Lily's hand- Let's get out of here guys.

**All:** -stand up and walk through the door-

All four of them shared the same dazed expression as they stepped out of the Room of Requirement.

Lily was the first to recover. She let out a piercing shriek and screamed:

"I have like six essays due tomorrow! And who knows how many tests!" She took off sprinting down the hallway toward the Gryffindor common room.

Her shriek startled James out of his stupor and he ran after her.

"Lily! Wait up!"

She slowed from an all out sprint to a very fast run to let James catch up. If he could.

Sirius was next to become undazed. He promptly started to wander towards the kitchens muttering about…mini marshmallows.

Remus was last. At first he had a distinct feeling of dread and that he was forgetting something very important. Though both feelings were fading quickly. All of a sudden the notion that he owed James money came to the forefront of his mind as he let go of the dread. For the life him he couldn't remember how much or even why. And even though he gave that thought a little extra encouragement, he just couldn't make it fade.

**Author Note: Ohk, so like I said earlier, I'm sad that it's over. So, if anyone thinks i should keep going and make like an alternate non ending they should totally review and tell me. I'm warning you, it might be far and few between with updates bc i have other fics i'm going to put up, and i might get writers block on this one but i doubt it, but yes just a warning. Even if you've never reviewd before, if you dont ahve an account on or if you have any other lame excuse for reading but not reviewing, just review and tell me if you think i should keep going or not. Depending on whether the alerts are being nice or not, (and i was just informed that they are being nice, except i sort of needed them to not be nice for 2 seconds, but watever) I'll anounce whether or not i'm gonna keep going as soon as a week with either a new chapter a sort of sequel or something on my profile if i don't have it written. so yay! licorice for ppl who review! i have some. i bought it at target last night. and surprisingly we haven't eaten the whole bag yet. REVIEW!**

**mwah♥**

**Dot**


	15. Alternate Ending!

**Disclaimer: No officer, I swear! I don't own a thing! It's all Jo's, all hers!**

**Author Note: Know what makes me happy? Besides reviews? Cuz (as you know) reviews make me really happy, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers make me happy too! K, yes I just felt the need to share that. ALSO I DON't want any reviews on this chapter here, if you are going to review, this chapter is also the first chapter of The Alternate unEnding Sequel Thing. So you might as well click on the little button that says DotzZ up there and then click on The Alternate unEnding Sequel Thing. Review and read it there. It will just make life so much easier. Also, this is basically the same chapter as last chapter, except for the last few pages. And I put a big X where the new stuff starts. I didn't on here though. So yes, shoo, off with you, go read.**

**Remus: **_He_ is the reason there were eleven years with "precious little to celebrate"?

**Lily:** According to the book…But who says the book is actually telling the future?

**James:** It could be just a coincidence.

**Sirius:** That is one big-assed coincidence.

**James:** Well it's a big book. Oh, and Moony, you still owe me ten galleons.

**Remus: **Er- let's keep reading. **Professor McGonagall flinched but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.'**

**Sirius:** Yep, because it drives us people who don't know insane. Especially the nosy ones who need to know everything, eh Moony?

**Remus:** I'm ignoring you, Padfoot. Pointedly.

**Sirius:** Oh don't be such a prick Moony.

**Lily: **Hahahahahaha

**James:** What's so funny?'

**Lily:** Well prick, pointedly…

**Boys:** -blank stares-

**Lily:** Like a…needle…Oh never mind. Just keep reading.

**Remus:** **I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemorts name." "I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're-**

**Sirius:** A mini marshmallow.

**Remus:** First he's Bumbledorio, now he's a mini marshmallow? I'm surprised he hasn't been a…

**Sirius:** Oh! Speaking of bananas, I'm hungry. –gets up to look for a not-completely-squished-beyond-repair banana-

**Lily:** Good lord, how can he eat those things?

**Sirius: **-puffs out chest- I have a stomach of iron and an esophagus of…jewels!

**James:** Do not!

**Sirius:** I do to! How would you know, anyway? Have _you_ ever seen my esophagus?

**James: **No…But wouldn't you make irony noises if we banged on your stomach?

**Sirius:** No! Why would it do that?

**James:** Because it's made out of iron. I think you're lying.

**Remus:** Well of course he's lying, it's anatomically impossible to have an iron stomach.

**Sirius:** Says who? I bet Darth Vader had an iron stomach. He had mechanical everything else.

**Lily:** Well, sorry to burst your bubble-

**James:** POP!

**Lily: **But Darth Vader turned out to be fictional. So ha.

**Sirius:** You're fictional! –sticks out tongue-

**James:** I say we just bang on his stomach and see if it sounds like the tin man.

**Sirius:** Only if you can catch me! –throws banana at James and runs-

**James:** Graaaaaaaaaaaaar! –runs after Sirius-

**Lily:** What was _that?_

**James:** It was my war cry!

**Lily:** Oi. I think you better keep reading Remus

**Remus:** -hunched over book reading page 23-

**Lily:** Remus! Cheater! Give me the book! –grabs the book-

**Remus:** Hey! I was reading that!

**Lily:** I _know._

**Remus:** -grabs book from Lily- And…I don't think we should read it anymore.

**Lily:** And why not?! –grabs book back- It's just a book Remus. Deal.

**Remus:** But! –dark look- fine.

**Lily: different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know-Who- OH, all right, _Voldemort,_ was afraid of.**

**James**:-crashes into side of wardrobe-

**Sirius:** Hehe! You'll never catch –deep voice- Super Sirius! –takes off running again-

**Lily:** Are you still ignoring them?

**Remus:** -nods- Pointedly.

**Lily:** I'll join you…"**You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have." "Only because you're too-well-noble to use them." "It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."** Awwww! That's so cute! Isn't it cute Remus?

Remus: Er-

**Lily:** _So _cute! **Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore –**sigh- Well it _was _cute. She totally just ruined the moment they were having.

**Remus:** -mutters- I'm glad you think so _now._

**Lily:** Come on Remus, you need to get in touch with your feminine side. You have a severe lack of one.

**Remus:** -stricken look- _What??_

**Lily:** Hehe. Just kidding. **and said "The owls are nothing next to the _rumors_ that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's finally disappeared? About what finally stopped him?**

**Remus:** Lily! Give me the book! –grabs for it-

**Lily:** -whacks Remus on the head- Get _over_ it, Remus!

**Remus:** YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET OVER!

**Sirius:** -jumps up on the couch and promptly crashes over the back-

**James:** -vaults off the coffee table after him-

**Lily:** James! Come here! I need a cuddle.

**James:** -abruptly stops chasing Sirius who smashes into a wall as he was looking behind him at James- Ok lily.

**Lily:** You come here too Sirius. I need someone to read the book while James and I are busy.

**Sirius:** Well what about Moony? He can read. He's quite good at it. Although you'd never be able to tell by looking at him.

**Remus:** Hey!

**Lily:** Remus is being…bad. So you get to read.

**Sirius:** Well this is a nice change of pace. Ish.

**Lily: -**hands book to Sirius and holds out arms to James- Read.

**Sirius:** Say please.

**Lily:** No.

**Sirius:** Fine. **It seemed that professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold,** -gets up and puts one foot on the coffee table and strikes a pose vaguely reminiscent of The Thinker. With a Sirius-y twist. Meaning it looks completely ridiculous- **hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor-**

**Lily:** Sirius, what _are_ you doing?

**Sirius:** I'm being dramatic! Shut up before you ruin the effect. **as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now.**

**Remus:** -mutters-

**Sirius:** Moony! Clam up! _You_ are ruining my moment.

**James: **You're having a moment?

**Sirius:** Yes! Can no one respect that? –switches legs- **It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.**

**Remus:** -mutters-

**Sirius:** Remus! I'm warning you! –louder- **Dumbledore however, was-**

**Remus:** -lunges at Sirius-

**Sirius:** -throws book and tried to pummel Remus-

**Lily:** -knocks on James's head- James? Are you still in there?

**James:** -odd look at Lily- Uh yeah…I'm here Lily.

**Lily:** Ok good. It seemed like Remus might have been channeling you or something.

**Remus:** -hits Sirius and tried to get him to let go-

**James:** Maybe he is and I haven't noticed yet.

**Sirius:** -lets go of Remus-

**Remus:** -goes sprawling-

**Lily:** How would you not-James! Get the book! –jumps up and down and points hysterically-

**Remus: **-lunges towards book- Ha!

**James:** -launches himself on top of Remus-

**Remus:** Oof. What have you been eating? –shoves book underneath him-

**Sirius:** Damn mini marshmallows! –starts pelting very squishy bananas at James and Remus-

**Lily:** James! Get the book away from him! Remus, what is your problem?! –banana hits her- SIRIUS!

**Sirius:** Heh…oops –dives onto James and knocks him off Remus who rolls off the book-

**Remus:** -grabs for book-

**Lily:** -grabs it before Remus-

**Remus: **-stands up- Lily, give it here.

**Lily:** No! Give me on good reason and I…still won't give it to you, but just give me one.

**Remus:** Believe me, you don't _want_ to read the next part.

**Lily: **And why not?

**Remus:** Well I'm not going to tell you! Why would I be trying to get you to not read it if I was going to tell you what I didn't want you to read.

**Lily:** I'm a big girl Remus. I'm sure I can handle it.

**Remus:** -sad look- Fine. It's your funeral-stops abruptly. -Mutters- literally….-sits on the very edge of the couch and crosses arms-

**Lily:** Just so you don't get any more ideas, I'm going to…read from…the top of the wardrobe!

**Sirius:** If Mr. B. is up there, throw him down here for me, will you?

Lily: Uhm…sure. –climbs on top of wardrobe- **Dumbledore however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer. "What they're saying," she pressed on," is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godrics Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumor is that Lily and James are-are-that they're-_dead._"**

**Lily:** DEAD?! What?? We can't be dead. I won't allow it!

**Remus:** SEE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ IT! BUT _NOOO_, YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE YOUR WAY LILY!

**James:** I bet it's a different James and Lily Potter. Besides it's just a rumor. Mickey G even said so.

**Lily: Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped, "Lily and James…I can't believe it…I didn't want to believe it…Oh, Albus…" **What?! We _are_ dead? Dumbledore was supposed to say 'Oh pish posh, Lily is too pretty to die, shes practically a goddess, and James, well James is just too James to die' and then they were going to have CAKE! What is with all this gasping and stuttering and being sad! I DON"T LIKE THIS BOOK! –throws the book off the wardrobe and starts to have a hissy fit-

**James:** I don't like this book either! –crosses arms and turns away-

**Remus:** I told you that you wouldn't want to keep reading! But does _anyone_ ever listen to me?

**Sirius:** Uh, Moony, haven't you figured that one out yet? No. Unless you are giving us answers on homework, then we are as attentive as little birdies who-er…like homework.

**Lily:** -screams and jumps off the wardrobe-

**James:**…so who's gonna read now?

**Remus:** You mean you still _want_ to read that thing? You just said you didn't like it.

**James:** Call it morbid curiosity. And I only said that because Lily said it.

**Remus: **Well I REFUSE to read anymore. I think we should just concentrate on getting out of here, I don't know why we started reading the dumb book in the first place.

**Sirius:** Moony, it's very boring when you decide to get all high and mighty. I am going to read just to piss you off. 'Kay?

**Remus:** -grits teeth-

**Sirius:** **Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder "I know…I know…" he said heavily. Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke-and that's why he's gone."**

**James:** That's MY son they're talking about, getting rid of dark wizards before the age of two and conquering the world at five! He gets it all from me.

**Lily:** Exushe me! He's –hic- MY son too! Gets mosht of it –hic- from me!

**Boys:** -look over the back of the couch at Lily-

**Sirius:** LILY! What are you doing?? You just drank the rest of _my_ Fire Whiskey!

**Lily:** -lays down on top of an empty bottle and giggles- I juss saw my –hic- life flash before my eyes –puts hands up to eyes like goggles- I _deserved _them! And now –hic- everything elsh's flashing. –tries to sit up- 'S'pinning tooo.

**James:** Why didn't _I_ think of getting drunk? You wouldn't even have a good excuse as to why I shouldn't, Moony, because I would have a better excuse as to why I _should_ be drinking.

**Lily:** Jamesh! –holds up a bottle to James- I saved one-uh two…three –squints- They won't stop –hic- moving! –grabs bottle with two hands- Hold still damn it! There, I –hic- saved six for you James!

**James:** -takes bottle- Six…one –shrugs- she was close.

**Remus:** Lily, I'm gonna sober you up now.

**Lily:** NOO!! If you –hic- make me sober now I'll…I'll…make YOU sober!

**Sirius:** Don't do it mate, it's not worth it.

**Remus:** On second thought…why don't we just bring you up to the couch?

**Lily:** -cackles- Good –hic- choice Remy! –tries to stand up-

**James:** -runs behind the couch to Lily- Here Lily, lemme help you.

**Lily:** I knew I –hic- liked you James! –kisses him- I'll bet our baby will be as hot as you, and he _will_ conquer the world! _And_ bring peace to the Argentinean koalas!

**James:** -grins broadly- Of course he will Lils! –sets her down on the couch-

**Remus:** Argentina doesn't even _have _Koalas.

**Sirius:** The Fire Whiskey doesn't care about logic mate, I know this from experience, don't bother arguing. **Dumbledore nodded glumly. "it's-it's _true_?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done…all the people he's killed…he couldn't kill a little boy?**

**Lily:** Damn right they couldn't kill him! He is MY son after all.

**Remus:** You should get drunk more often Lily, it makes you _so_ modest.

**Sirius:** **It's just astounding…of all the things to stop him…but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?" "We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

**James:** Well with a mixture of me and Lily's genes, it's obvious don't you think?

**Remus:** Yes we all have realized that you and Lily are examples of the ideal human form, and that your son will be practically immortal. You'll have to forgive us if we don't bow down to you.

**Lily:** -pats Remus's cheek- Oh look James! He's –hic- jealous! It's so cute!

**Sirius:** **Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.**

**Lily:** I think I might be tha' watch! 'Cause I have no nummers, -holds out arms- I sure seem to have a lot of arms right now, and I swear if those planets would stop moving I would be able to see them properly. –squints and looks up to the right-

**Sirius:** Lily turns into a watch when she's drunk. I'm an armadilloish thing. Don't they say your true form comes out when you're drunk?

**Remus:** Well technically Padfoot, you didn't turn into an armadillo until you were sober, but you do have an interesting point.

**James:** You could totally research that Moony, what people turn into when they're drunk. You'd probably have to use muggles as your test subjects though.

**Lily:** I bet there aren't any muggles that turn into watches!

**Sirius:** I'd be scared if there were.** It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here by the way?" **Hagrid!

**All:** YAY!

**Sirius:** **"Yes," Said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me _why_ you're here of all places?" "I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."**

**Lily:** WHAT?!

**Authors Note:** **I see you didn't follow my directions up there. That's ok, sort of. just click on the lil thing that says dotzz way at the top if your gonna review and go there. and if you aren't gonna review, well poop on you.**

**Mwah♥**

**Dot**


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